personal blog.

It`s GOODBYE For Now.

2008-03-31T14:33:00.006+08:00

And so I`m leaving.

I have thought about this just earlier this morning. I don`t want to expose myself too much anymore. I want to spend this time only with myself, and accomplish a lot of things, do a lot of activities without involving anyone. I want this summer to be larger than life--- I want this summer to be the turning point of my life.

I`m being so confused with who to trust lately. The longer I think about it, the more everyone has to be doubted, the more things get so obscure. I`ve been involved in fights, I`ve been judged, I`ve been hurt by simply everyone around me--- now isn`t that a good reason to leave?

Unfortunately, I have to learn things the hard way. Up to this moment, I still feel betrayed, hurt, and used. I don`t know how to move on from it.

So I thought, I`d just seclude myself to everyone, even just for the meantime. I know myself--- I change my mind as easy as I decided upon it. Maybe I`ll realize I need the whole lot for me to move on, or maybe not. Maybe I have to go back, maybe this wasn`t the right choice.

But either way, I`ll be brand new. I`ll be somebody whose outside, still like the same, but deep inside, a whole new person. I`ll be overhauled. ;)

And so, this is the end for this blog. I am not for public viewing anymore. God only knows where to find me--- or should I say, you can find me only if I want you to find me. ;)

I have my luggage ready, I packed all stuffs. My life at this moment is so organized and planned. I don`t want anybody to take away this opportunity for me to prove that I can accomplish things better only with my own help. I can improve without asking help from friends--- and I can sort out the real ones from bad. I`ll move on from this day on.

It`s been a fun trip here in this blog. I enjoyed writing entries, reading your comments, sharing a life with all of you. For now, it`s goodbye. I`ll see y`all when I see you. :)

BIALOVESSEVENTEEN.BLOGSPOT.COM IS NOW OFFICIALLY CLOSED.

agenda.

2008-03-23T17:47:00.002+08:00

My agenda this summer is to improve myself and to laugh hardest. When I was thinking bout it before the end of term, I was so excited--- damn, this is not your usual summer agenda! Going to beach wasn`t on my list either, though I have lotsa places I wanna go in my mind. I want this summer to be something irreplaceable and unforgettable--- not my usual summer. I want to experience a lot of new things, go crazy and wild on night-outs, taste something unusual, do something I`ve never done before. Gaaah. Oh summer.

Now I`m keeping a diary again. How I missed writing on those. But this time, it`s not the usual what-happened-today type--- I want it to be full of far-fetched thoughts, plans, check list. I want it to be colorful and memorable at the same time. I have it small, so I can bring it along everytime. There I`ll jot whatever it is that comes in my mind. :)

See now, it`s raining. Raining hard on a hott summer day. Oh yea, something unusual. ;)

How bout you guys? What`s your summer agenda? :)

bleh. haha.

2008-03-22T13:51:00.003+08:00

I still ~~can`t write~~ anything. :)

Last night, before I go to sleep, I am so determined to write something to update this blog and get rid of the previous post. I have a lot of stories to share, lotsa thoughts for all of you to think, too--- but now it`s all gone. BAAHHHH. I`m so dimwit. :)

Okay, let`s try to get started. :D

First of all, I really wanna get rid of all I-love-him shits I`ve been posting. Oh, give them a break Bia. Honestly, love is all I`m living for. I dunno, it`s just the way I am. Always been raving about crushes and love. Hay naku, if you`re with me, I can talk about my crush the whole day. Promise, the whole day. With no pause. Nakakarindi. :))

And it`s too much it`s such a problem. Bleh. I said before, as long as I maintain good grades, it`s okay to blab about it.

But, oh damn. That`s just so wrong. I became like someone who has nothing else in mind but love, nothing else to rave about but love. Life is nothing like love. Something like that. EEW. :))

Nothing really makes me cry but love. Other people. People, people. Nothing makes me happiest but love, too. Other people. People, people.

And I realized, I`ve always depended my happiness to other people.

Baah. Here I go. This is something I really should improve upon. :D

I should stop, stop depending on others. Thinking of others too much. Living for others. Loving others too much.

And just when I thought I`ve loved myself enough, I still didn`t. I always want my friends and family around, or else I`d be silent. Or else I won`t be hyper, silly, funny. Or else I`d be alone, then ~~sad~~.

Oh, too much. Let`s improve this. ;)

tanga aco. sya din.

2008-03-15T17:57:00.006+08:00

I`ve been seeing a lot of number 17 everywhere it became soooooo freaky. I know I asked Papa God a sign, "Nako Papa God, pag napuno ng 17 ang buhay co...", but I forgot what would that mean! ARRGH.

And, tell me I`m OA or whatev, pero I`m having this feeling that I need not to do anything anymore (for Kolja Boy), cos all the forces of nature are the ones making the way for us. Super corny I know, pero that`s really what I feel! It`s like Mother Nature whispering to me, "Anak, kalma ka na. Kami na bahala".

And all these things, my life being filled with so much 17, Mother Nature whispering, is soooo confusing I dunno what to think. And since it was finals, I concentrated on reviewing and completing the requirements, so it`s easy to brush off the thought.

Then one day, it hit me. It hit me so suddenly, so strong, I stumbled, fell, caught of guard, and was not able to respond.

And so this is the story of one of the biggest ~~regrets~~ of my life. :)

Finals, day 1. Class rep was out, our exam in Chem01 was postponed because we don`t have the permits yet. And then, a blockmate of ours, took the liberty of organizing the whole thing. Then he forwarded our clearances to the Finance without having it signed sa Registrar`s pala. SUPER GULO. ~~SUPER PROBLEM~~. So I fixed it myself, with Martina, kasi the class rep, when she came back and heard all these, went to us so furious. Ayun.

Saktong pagpasok ko ng window namin (per course and window) ng Registrar`s, pumasok sa kabila sina Kolja Boy. Super destiny! Nyaha. Nagulat aco nun ;)

Then, sabay din kaming nagpunta ng Finance. And super horrendous ng scene. Parang gubat sa sobrang init, gulo, siksikan. STAMPEDE. :)

MOMENT: If he`s not staring, he`s glancing. It`s so freaky!! I dunno what to do. Buti na lang my senses are still open that time, I was able to act like the usual bubbly me, throwing off banats kahit siksikan na.

Then umalis na sila. Yun. :)

Part 2. The Perfect Moment. :)

Crysel asked kung pwede namin syang samahang kunin yung permit nya, after na ng Eng02 exam. So yun. Pagbaba namin, saktong pagtapat sa gate ng 3rd street, he (Kolja Boy) was there, papasok, and heading towards the Finance din. BOOM. Okay, calm down, Bia. :)

Eto na.

Ka-engotan # 1: I waited outside the window while Martina and the others went in to get their permits. She asked me din kasi if I could text her friend. Pain in the ass pa din ang pagte-text sa bagong phone, hindi pa co sanay ee, so naturally, mabagal acong mag-text. Then sya (si Kolja) was just in front of me (of course a few feet away) with his friend. Of course I know he was always glacing at me (never assuming [yet. nyaha], don`t ask me why). Then pagpasok nung friend nya, I was soooooooo surprised.

He cleared his throat, and walked (almost dramatically) towards me.

Then he stood up beside me.

WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :))

As in, BESIDE ME. Beside, beside--- super beside me. Sa sobrang lapit, I can feel his arm brushing into mine. Err. Excuse me? :) (correction: in case. he didn`t say excuse me. it was part of the kwento. :))

Then I made me texting an excuse to not react at all. As in kunwari, hindi sya tumabi. And it was such a long time. I dunno what he was doing! But I`m so sure he`s looking at me. Even staring. Waiting for something. Well, kung yung phone co yung tinitingnan nya, TI mo. Eto na o.

Sobrang tagal nya talaga, I`m getting tensed. I mean--- hello, ang luwag luwag na ng Finance, you can run around it, pero of all the places naman, sa tabi co pa nya natripan tumayo.

You`re WEIRDO, KB. :)

Ee Martina`s friend replied. So I went to her, leaving him standing there. He then followed, then sat on a monoblock outside the window.

Then I went to Ma and the others, which was diagonally away from him, couple of feet. I sat on a monoblock, then talked to the others casually.

Stare-glance-stare ang drama. At eto pa ha--- when I`ll look at him, he`ll never look away. He`s holding the stare. Syempre aco naman I`ll look away kasi grabe, soooo weird! I mean, DUH, it`s KB doing it to ME.

Ka-engotan # 2: So, after a while of that drama, I went back there (to the window) to talk to Martina and the others. He was just outside the window, and that`s what I know--- until when I went back outside, guess where he`s sitting...

ON MY CHAIR.

~~PUTANG INANG~~ MATINDI DIBA.

Sa tingin nyo naman, anong iisipin co na nun. Kanina pa weird ang pinagkikilos nya.

Reminder: ka luwag luwag ng finance, he can run around, thrash about. Dun pa nya naisipang umupo. And to think na yung grupo co lang yung andun ha. He looked like kawawa talaga dun, kasi he really has no one to talk to.

So I went back there, and took the chair beside him a little away from him, and another deadma. Pero magkatabi pa din kami. So close pa din. But deadma me. But, promise, I`m really rehearsing my lines in my head. Kaso, I end up ~~not saying anything.~~

He kept on looking at me, staring at me, as if he`s really waiting for me to say something. Or something like that. You know that feeling? It`s sooooo awkward, and nagpapakiramdaman lang kayo, kung sinong papalag.

I`m trying to laugh it all off that time, pero deep inside, I`m soooo dying. I mean, this is the moment, gaga!! Sya mismo yung lumalapit. Sya. Ayan na. Sa tabi mo. And my hands are soooo getting cold. Soooo getting cold. I`m feeling numb, the words in my tongue ready to come out...

And when I was ready to face him, he went to the CR.

He went to the damn CR.

Locked the door.

And stayed there for a very, very, very long time.

Promise!

Hinihintay talaga namin syang lumabas, he`s so tagal. :(

Then, paglabas nya, he went back to the chair sa tabi ng window. :((

Ka-engotan # 3: I went back to the window, just because. But really, Martin was there na, and he was pushing me to KB. Then we were laughing a lot, I was even laughing when I said, "Excuse me!" to him. TO HIM. And he so much gave way, he went behind us. I wasn`t just looking at his face, I didn`t see his reaction. ~~SHET~~.

Martin and I were talking a little away from us, and he wasn`t just glancing; he was watching us. All the while. Then, when I looked at him, he was stomping his feet, and feeling his temple--- as if desperate, as if tensed.

Then I went to Martina and said, "Martina. Ano? Halika na."

He went to his friend and said the same thing. Exactly the same thing. And he was behind me.

Then they went out first. And I just looked at him, walking away.

~~OMG~~.

When I accidentally looked up sa oras sa platform ng Gilmore station? It was 17:40 something in military time.

So that`s it. The super perfect moment. God given hour. My answered prayer. 11:11 wish granted. It was sooooo perfect, so everything--- nakasalalay lahat dun. And I just let it slip away.

Let it slip away.

Nothing else matters. I so regret it until now. It`s so hard to get over it. Sa sobrang hindi co talaga matanggap, hindi aco nakatulog nung gabi nun. As in.

Hindi co masabing, okay lang, may next time pa. Kasi ayun na yun ee--- it felt like a one time big time opportunity ee. I almost had him. ALMOST. It was soooo easy to talk to him, kasi even I can feel it--- if I try talking to him, he won`t be suplado anymore. He looked very open that time.

Pero, at the same time, ~~tangina~~ naman diba. I even told Martin this: "Bakit aco pa yung dapat maging lalake?" Bakit aco pa dapat yung mag-start ng conversation? He`s obviously waiting for me to talk! And why should it be me? Shouldn`t that be like, he`s gonna do the first move?

I remember Carla telling me, "Alam mo ate, babae talaga dapat ang gumagawa ng first move."

ARGHHHH.

I hope y`all are there to witness the most stupid thing I`ve ever done. I hope you`re there to observe us. And I`m sure eto lang ang masasabi nyo.

"Ee ~~gago~~ pala tong dalawang to ee. Tila tanga! Ayaw pang mag-usap, ee obvious na obvious naman!"

Sabi ni Carla, "Pano ate, kung hindi naman pala ganun? Pano kung coincidence lang ang lahat? Pano kung di naman pala ganun yung iniisip nya?"

Mas masakit sa part co. :(

Kasi naman Kolja Boy, bakit ba pabigla bigla?? Hindi aco prepared, pramis!

Kaya pala puro 17, kaya pala bumulong si Mother Nature.

Nung gabi, I was thinking, damn it Bia, is that you?? Is that you, hands sweaty, saying OHMYGOD all the time, not being able to say anything when it`s so easy for you to talk to strangers? Akala co ba, you`ll do anything? Akala co ba, impossible is nothing? Akala co ba, just do it?

OHMYGOD. I`m soooo sorry KB! :(

** Lahat talaga ng mga panaginip co nagkakatotoo. Eversince. :) Ee one time, napanaginipan co si KB, I was walking, then he caught up with me, and bumped me then he grinned. He was sooo cheerful, so happy. Then he stretched out his hand and said, "Hi, I`m KB." then we shook hands, little chat, then he went to his friends, and he said, "Ge, kitakits!" then I was rushing to Martina and others, raving about it.

And I was thinking, damn it, that was that moment. :(

Sana talaga, magising aco kinabukasan, first day of finals na lang ulit. Tapos, pag nangyari yun, I`ll say to him, "Damn it, let`s get this over with." then kiss him.

If hindi pa nya inapprove yung friend request co sa FS, I`m gonna die na talaga. :(

DAMN, THAT`S HOT!

2008-03-09T12:59:00.003+08:00

** before anything else folks, my spilling paints is updated. I do need your comments on the latest poems and quotes I have there. THANKS! :)

I`m gonna have my SE K850i this week!

Unexpectedly, uuwi yung isang kasamahan ni Tatay. So ayan, we`re gonna switch phones. HOORAH, HOORAH. :)

I gotta buy a bigger byte MC for it, though, cos kuya`s gonna get the 1GB. But, whatev. I`ll have my cybershot phone na. haha. :))

Magpa- papel photog na co. YOUUUUUU!!! :))

On the other hand...

So can`t wait for summer! I`m so stressed with school works and with my other blockmates, and I so can`t wait to hit EWOOD and the BEACH. Oh man! :) And, I have lotsa plans. Lalala. Hair makeover--- I`ll have fringes! Like Andy`s in The Devil Wears Prada. Sooooo excited. :)

Then, pagdating ni Tita, super travel again. Ohyea, ohyea.

Then, maybe, I could reach out to Kolja Boy, cos it`s summer, and it`s in FS. So malay natin diba. :) Yipee, yipee. :)

Well, I think I so deserve all of this. Nagpapakahirap talaga acong mag-aral. :)

I`ll stop the world and melt with you. :)

it`s cookin`.

2008-03-09T10:10:00.005+08:00

I now see Kolja Boy (former: Cook) on regular basis. Yipee :). This is starting to be super fun. Though, I really don`t wanna assume, cos I`ve been asking signs from Papa God all the time, and it`s so otherwise of what`s happening.

But I wish, what`s true is what`s happening, and not the signs. :)

SATURDAY (Last week when I was with Nikko)

Super small world! Nikko knows Monkey Boy (real nickname for the guy, who
happens to be the "bro"/ superkaduper close friend of Kolja Boy). I was so surprised he went to our table and greeted him. They`re chums. :)
Monkey Boy: Uy, Nikko. *stretched out a hand to clap*
Nikko: *clapped MB`s hand* Uy... pareeee.. *with the i-can`t-believe-you`re-here look*
Blah blah. I bowed my head down, and remained silent while they were talking. And all the while, MB`s staring at me. Can you imagine?? Sa loob loob ko lang talaga, ~~putangina~~ ~~putangina~~ ~~putangina~~...
MB: Ikaw ha, nakikipaglandian ka dito ha. *stares at me*
Me: *looked at him, then bow down*
N: *laughs* Hindi, kaibigan ko lang to. Pare, yun---
MB: *looked at me, beamed, then looked at Kolja Boy* ahhh. Friend lang.
N: Pare, yun ba talaga ang perception nyo sa mga lalakeng pumupunta dito? *smile*
OHMYGODI`MGONNADIE.
*awkward silence*
N: ay, nga pala. Pare, si Bianca nga pala.
MB: *smiled, saluted* Monkey Boy (but he said his name, syempre. haha).
Me: *beamed*
I was really about to shake his hand, kaso grabe, he was so cool I was intimidated. haha!! :)) So, I just smiled, and stared at each other for a long time. Syempre, I was expecting him to say something, ee I think sya rin, kaso ayun. :)
Then after a while, he went back to their table. I didn`t notice KB! He had his back on us. Hmm. :)
Then after a while again, they transferred to the table beside us, tapos si KB is sitting na kapareho ng posisyon ko. :) Kaso we have to go ee, it`s getting late na kasi. :)
So with that, I wonder why they have to transfer to the other table, ee the table they were before is their usual spot there. Then, I wonder why MB gave that kinda reaction. HMM. :)
WEDNESDAY
We went to BM (Burger Machine) to buy Sansrival, and at least chill for a while after swimming kasi. Pagtingin co sa Yellow Wall, KB and his friends, as usual, are there. When he saw me, he bowed down to his friends and muttered something, then all of a sudden, they all looked at me! And all the while we`re there, they kept on looking at me. KB even went on a table closer to BM, and nagkasabay nga kami ng tingin ee. :)
Teka, did he just looked at me with a smile? :D
FRIDAY
Amidst the hustle bustle of reviewing for our oral exam in Philo, he passed by. We looked at each other, then went back to each other`s business. Kunwari deadma aco. I even write stuffs kunwari, and continue discussing stuffs to Martina and Matrina. :) Then.
him: *ahem*
me: *ahem, ahem*
martina: *laughs* yun yung usap nyo no. Ano yun ibig sabihin nun?
me: ... ILABYU..
us: HAHA!!! :))
matrina: pero Bianca, kanina pagdaan nya, tumingin sya sayo. Yung, ganun o. *demo*
Know the pa-simple look? Using the corner of you eye? Ganun. :)

It could only mean two things, especially when his friends looked at me ee: "Hey, that girl`s crushing me. KADIRI." or, "Hey, that`s the girl of my dreams." haha. :)) Two extreme, and I hope it`s the latter. ;)

And oh, sa buong barkada nya, sya lang ang walang GF! Iniisip co nga, baka lalake gusto nun ee. :)) Ohwell, whichever, talo pa din kami. ;) And his shoutout in FS? "It`s tough to stay single in this world where everybody expects you to be with somebody". HMM. Okay aa. :)

LALALA! :)

lost then back together.

2008-03-01T21:16:00.003+08:00

Funny how I enjoy better friendship with Nikko now than before. Maybe because my heart is with someone--- but think about it: relationships are so better appreciated when you are not expecting anything. It feels so good to be with the person when you`re not expecting for a romantic relationship to bloom. It`s easier to breathe, move and laugh when you`re not worrying that he might get turned off.

For the past few years, my friendship with Nikko felt like I`m in a springboard. In a moment, I`m ready to jump; in another, I`d rather not. It`s like a roller coaster too--- sometimes, it feels like we`re up to something more than just friends--- another time it`s cold and boring. It has been very confusing; I`ve given up the fact that we can be together long time ago, but sometimes it feels like it needs a second chance... and another second chance.

But now it`s different. The ship felt lighter. I joke, he laughs. We talk about from him having an ex- girlfriend from my school to criticizing Jun Lozada and the ZTE scandal. We go out with no strings attached, with me never feeling butterflies, with me enjoying only that moment.

And I like this better than it was before. I`ve realized, you`ll appreciate the person easier when you step out of the thought on jumping into a romantic relationship with him. That exact thought spoils the essence of what your relationship is now. So it`s better never to assume and expect. Cos that kills big time. :)

CARPE DIEM.

2008-02-17T15:02:00.003+08:00

CARPE DIEM.
Live the life you imagine.
Forget about what other people say... it`s your life.
Put no limitations, no boundaries.
Do the unexpected things.
Today is God`s gift.
Seize all the chances given to you.
Draw your own destiny.
No one, no one can ever overpower you.

Okay ba? Pauso co yan ee. :))

SUPER UPDATE.

2008-02-17T14:07:00.004+08:00

i both don`t have time && drive to write an entry. though i have lotsa stuffs to tell you. haha. ironic me. :))

so anyway, here are the updates.

with MR. COOK:

Nothing much actually. :) Wala na acong move since the hairnet incident. Nagkakasalubong kami in corridors, in unexpected places, in expected places--- but that`s it. Until now we`re not acquainted, && Martin looks like he has forgotten the favor I asked him. BAAAAHHH. I`m starting to lose interest. haha! Oh please, me. :) Here I go again.

SADYA O HINDI SADYA? (tell me)

When he sees me sitting on the table in front of their lab, he`ll always go out to drink in the drinking fountain. DEHYDRATED ba sya at hindi mapawi sa isang inuman ang uhaw nya? Then he`ll look at me. When I look back, he`ll look away.
Nung Wednesday, I was alone && sitting on the same table, looking for him at the lab, when he suddenly walk in with another varsity player. The usual. He`ll look at me. When I look back, he`ll look away. Oh crap. Then he went inside && sat on a chair aligned to where I am sitting. Para maganda ang view ba kamo? :)) I was reading while listening to my mp3 that time ee. When I glanced at him, he was listening to his ipod na, and sitting exactly the same position I am sitting. what the heck.
Wednesday pa din, after swimming. Suuuuper destiny! We are heading towards BM (Burger Machine) and he was there with his friends. They all looked at me and smiled, && laughed. The other one sorta pointed me && Cook looked at me. Nung nagsalubong kami, parang wala lang. I even put my chin high--- kala nya sya lang ang maangas. :)) Nung makalagpas na, sabay kaming lumingon. :))
Kahapon, game nila against St. Paul Manila (there`s an on going league for all St. Paul schools in the Philippines, held on our school. Nuod kayo one time. ;)). Gayle (a new found friend) turns out to be friends with Cook, && she said that he is not suplado. So ano yung behavior nya nung tinanong co kung kanya yung hairnet? Nahihiya? What the heck. So anyway, ayun. Gayle called him, and he looked at me (magkatabi kasi kami ni Gayle ee), then lumapit. Papansin ng todo. May palapit lapit pang nalalaman.
Then nung warm up, before he shoots, he looks at me. Buti naman pasok lahat. :)
But nung game proper, he made a fool of himself. Kinakabahan siguro. The rest of the game, he`s a benchwarmer.

BANJO:

Casually, nakakapag-usap naman kami. Though, he`s not as enthusiastic as he is before. Ewan co ba dun. I even asked for food, kaso hindi sya nagtira. So yun. Wala ding food. :)) As always, cute pa din naman sya. :))

A NEW GUY:

~~Glenn~~ was my co-youth camper in my Tito`s youth camp nung 2004. Actually, hindi naman kami close talaga. In fact, once in a blue moon lang sya kung mangamusta. What`s significant about him was he was our crush (Lay, me && Dek). As in, high almighty sa ka-gwapuhan at kabaitan yun, as far as I could remember. ;)

Nagulat na lang aco, nung Saturday last last week, he texted me saying:

Hi bianca? Mzta? St. Paul kpla ngaaral nung year muna? Pnta q dun mnsan if u want.. Pra mkpgkwen2han tau mnsan. Sn St. Paul ka? If ok lng dn sau.. hehe.. takecare..

Unexpectedly, last week Wednesday, nagkita kami sa LRT. Ayun, nilibre nya co, tapos nagkwentuhan nga kami. MAYGOLLY, mas matangkad pa co sa kanya. Naka-slippers na co nun ah. Hindi talaga kinaya ng powers co na pag-abutin. :)) Pero grabe, mas gumwapo sya. :))

Nung Saturday that week, he texted my cousin && asked kung naikwento co na daw yung tungkol sa nagkita kami. Blah blah. And you know what he said about me?

Okay naman sya kahit noon pa ee.

Maganda nga sya.

Okay, I give in. :))
Ang nakakatawa, he was sooo like high almighty nun, tapos ngayon he`s there, in front of me. Kulang na lang he`ll scream, "Come on Bianca, love me!!!"

My cousin (Allysa) && I have the same problem now. Humiling kami kay Papa God ng isang lalaki lang... bakit andami namang dumating? And hello. Sabay sabay pa. :))

on the QE:

Nahirapan talaga aco dun sa battery exam. I kept on thinking how the hell the other block said that it was easy. && the results will come out this Friday. I`m super scared. :( Bukod sa digicam, my life also is at risk.

nung BALENTAYMS:

Herlz, Bia B. && She were soooooo sweet! They gave us butterfinger, a heart phone chain && a rose. Super sweet. :) Okay na co sa balentayms na ganun. ;)

impossible is nothing.

2008-02-01T21:14:00.000+08:00

"it`s sometimes better to admire something or someone from afar rather than to get up close. it saves people from disappointment. i make wishes on 11:11 and they actually come true once in awhile. coincidence? probably."

Martina shared this to me through IM this evening. Amazing is, it strucked me, as if this statement was for my situation with Mr. Cook. Exactly the advice I think I would hear if I ask for clarity. :)

But then I thought, no, this is not right. I should be fighting. I should never quit. I should at least try before giving up.

~~Regret~~ is one tough cookie. I know cos I`ve been through a lot of disappointments. That`s why I`m not stopping my impulse. If I want something said, or done (especially for the sake of love)--- I do it in a snap, like jumping off the cliff with my eyes closed. I think every single damn thing we do is exactly like that, and it`s better that way.

So with Mr. Cook, I`m taking my chances. Disappointment with what has been done is easier to bear && fleet than the disappointment of not being able to do it. I`ve always been stupid with love, && I will be--- at least, I`ve done everything I can to make it happen.

And I know that I`ll learn a lot through the process, even if I fail to hook him. ;)

adieu, adieu.

2008-01-30T20:33:00.000+08:00

me: *smiling, stretching out the hairnet* sayo ba `to?
cook: *shook his head, then walk away*

OUCH.

He might`ve changed his attitude if he knows what am I going through inside--- how my heart pound so fast it hurts, how it stopped at his sight, how much tons of courage I willed to come up with a plan, how my heart dropped when he reacted that way--- cold, lifeless...

SNOB.

I hate him. :(

freakishly correct!

2008-01-29T20:15:00.000+08:00

What Bianca Means

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I dunno how they`re able to do this, but this is exactly me! I swear. You better try this quiz to see for yourself. ;)

blue && red. it`s monday.

2008-01-28T11:23:00.000+08:00

I`m giving clarifications on my last post, kasi it`s really magulo when I read it kanina. So, here it goes my darlings.

My cook. Let`s name him, My cook. I can`t always drop names that easily, cos friends then friends of second degrees, then extended networks drop by here, so if I continue thrashing about his name, I might as well come out busted, which wasn`t part of the plan (I`ll confess at the right time. :)). So let`s name him, my cook.

Now, my cook was the one in the sitch where we`re looking for seats. He`s the one who said when he saw me, "Dun na lang tayo oh. Dun.", pointing towards our row. I was too kilig and freaked out I went to the lower row to calm down before finally going up that row. I thought magkakatabi talaga kami, but he saved three more seats && it`s so blurry.

Then came the guy I remember looking for another guy named Banjo, && sat beside me. Nice. I know this guy. I can talk to this guy, be friends && all. Exactly my point! They are in the same circle... then, he`s a bridge! A damn, jolly bridge man.

me: *with a grin* Banjo na lang itatawag co sayo.
the guy looking for another guy named banjo: *laughed* hindi Banjo pangalan co. ~~Macoy~~.
me: ~~Macoy~~?
him: *nods* oo, ~~Macoy~~. *bading tone* ~~Macoy~~.
me: haha!
him: ikaw, anung pangalan mo?
me: Bianca.
*looked at each other && smiled*
me: *extended my right hand*
him: *laughed && shook it briefly*

So let`s call him Banjo, a`right? :)

My cousin said, when Banjo asked for my name, My cook looked at me && kinig. Fishy, fishy. :) And Matrina said pa, the next day, that their friends were wooting, "Naks, Macoy!" nun.

Okay, these are the kulit talks. :)

banjo: CFS officer ka ba?
me: hindi.
b: ee ba`t nandun ka kanina sa attendance?
me: ee kasi---
b: tinatanong mo pa yung order co. *laughs*
me: *laugh* ee kasi nga---
b: hindi naman pala ee. bakit andun ka? nangungulit ka lang dun ee.
me: *pointing Carla* ee kasi nga, sinasamahan co sya.
b: *to Carla* ikaw pala yung officer. anung posisyon mo dun?
carla: *said her position*
me: *grinning* nakatuwad.
b: *burst out laughing*

***

me: HRM kayo diba?
banjo: *nods* yup.
me: bakit hindi kayo nagluluto ngayon?
b: *laughs*
*going back to watching the play. then..*
b: ikaw, anung course mo?
me: nursing.
b: oh, bakit di kayo nanggagamot ngayon?
me: *laughs*
friend ni b: pare, ang corny mo.
b: *defensive* ee sya kaya nauna.
me: *laughs*
b: *laughing* ang saya mo no? masayahin ka.
me: *laugh lalo*

***

me: anung mga niluluto nyo?
banjo: kahit ano. ikaw, kahit anung gusto mo.
me: *grin* wehhh? pwede ba cong humingi dun?
b: oo naman, punta ka lang dun.
me: wehh? talaga?
b: oo nga.
me: anu bang sched nyo dun?
b: 4:30-7:30, wednesday.
me: *claps hands* tamang tama! after swimming. teka, hindi ba kami papagalitan ng prof nyo? mamaya mabato kami ng kaldero dun ha.
b: *laughs* hindi, basta punta ka lang dun.
me: *rubbing his back* sige ha, sa Wednesday.
b: sige.

b: mag-bolahan na lang kaya tayo magdamag no? *laughs*
me: sige.

***

me: kilala mo si Mr. Champ?
banjo: sino yun--? *pout* yung sa ano, yung sa---
me: yung sa Jolibee?
banjo: *helpless laugh* yun?
me: kamukha mo.
me && him: *laugh*

*going back to watching the play. then...*

b: lam mo, may kamukha ka din.
me: aco?
b: oo. oh, may kamukha ka. *stares. stares. stares*
me: *stare back, smiling* sino?
b: tsk, basta. *dreamy* a friend of mine.
me:*laugh*
b: lam mo, kanina, nung tinititigan kita... *stared, then looked away* kamukha mo talaga.
me: *weirded out*

So that`s it. Updates, updates will be posted na lang on some other days. haha. :)

thanks, banjo.

2008-01-26T23:43:00.000+08:00

I wanna type everything we talked about, detail by detail. But you wouldn`t get it anyway. And it`ll only spoil the moment. :)

So, today was my suppose make or break day. I patiently waited for my cook (****) in the attendance table, exchanged duties with an officer even `re scheduled to watch the play by three, so we headed to the powder room firstbefore finally heading to the theatre. Waiting for my friend to go out, I went outside for some air (you know powder rooms--- they`re poorly ventilated).

Then I saw him. The magestic him. The drop dead gorgeous him. The most amazing him.

From afar, I thought he was wearing white. But it doesn`t matter for now. I was thinking, "Damn it, I shouldn`t have left."

***

Theatre, we saw each other, his group behind my group in the line, then I saw his shirt wasn`t white--- it`s blue. Sacre bleu! Double merde! We`re both blue. :)

Hussle bussle of grabbing seats, I`m kinda confused on where to go, so as their group, so we end up being on the same row, though 3 seats apart.

me: *to the girls* Check ko lang yung balcony. (Cos naturally, I know they`re already seating comfortably there)
martina: *pointing with her eyes toward the balcony`s direction* Yung balcony ba talaga?
me: *look*
my cook: *look back. then... pointing towards our direction* Dun na lang tayo oh. Dun.
me: *to Martina, with a grin* Alright, dito na lang tayo.

Then I saw a familiar face coming for the seat beside me. Oh, the guy looking for another guy named Banjo. The babyfaced, mr. champ (yes, of jolibee) look-alike guy.

me: hello banjo.
the guy looking for another guy named banjo: *laughed*
me: sino ba yung Banjo?
the guy looking for another guy named banjo: huh? sino?
me: yung hinahanap mo dati sa room namin.
the guy looking for another guy named banjo: huh? Banjo? ewan co.

Start of a wonderful conversation, with our laughter ringing around the whole balcony, with our voices the voice of the actors && actresses. With the play`s story getting jumbled with the things we talked about. With his stare killing me. With our guards shaking. With the casual touches.

And until now, the guy looking for another guy named Banjo is still making me smile && laugh, simply by remembering him. That actually was the first time I talked to a stranger who I made friends with, then talked && laughed like it`s not the first time.

him: Uy, una na muna kami ha. Basta punta ka.
me: A`right, a`right.

And guess what darlings--- he`ll (the guy looking for another guy named Banjo) cook for me this Wednesday. :)

He`s a bridge, a bridge. A jolly bridge.
Can`t wait to talk to him again. :)
Can`t wait to talk to my chef. :)

maybe we`re made for each other.

2008-01-26T23:27:00.000+08:00

UNIVERSITY FAIR, first day.

RED DAY! Accidentally, my cook && I wore damit of the same color && hue. red top, white shorts. :)

I said to myself that night, "Gimme another chance Papa God, I`d really say hi! to him na talaga. It`s a make or break day.

And, ~~if he wears blue~~ (cos I`ll be wearing blue ee. haha!), it`s meant to be. We`re meant to be."

***

UNIVERSITY FAIR, second day.

Guess what? :)

It`s BLUE DAY! yipee!!!!

I still can`t believe. I mean, damn. This is just tooooooooooo good. Once is accidental talaga ee. Pero yung two consecutive days? OHMYGOLLY. Papa God talks! He talks, man.

"Nagte-text ata kayo ee." my cousin Allysa said. :)

* FOOTNOTES:

My cook`s name is ~~Jake~~.
This is my 102nd post. :)

hey lonely.

2008-01-24T19:41:00.000+08:00

I can always hide behind my mega-watt, infectious smile && laughter; I can always hide behind my lies. How I wish I can hide what I feel to myself.

But I can`t. When all the fun is done, when we all part, when I`m alone, riding the train, riding the FX, walking to home--- I could feel it.

I could feel this aching feeling that I can`t push aside. I can feel this big hole inside my heart. I can feel this urge to just grab someone && make love to him.

I wanna be loved. I wanna be hugged. I wanna feel that someone is beside, always ready to hug me, always ready to whisper encouraging words && listen to my rant patiently.

And for the first time, after million times of feeling it, I`m admitting this---

I FEEL LONELY.

Yes, this is just so pathetic that I am telling the whole world of what I feel. I can`t write stories && poems anymore because I`m just too uninspired. I can`t always rely on my overactive imagination, cos naturally, it gets tired, too. I try focusing on my studies, reading lotsa books, being with friends, laughing, laughing. But after all these, when I lay down my bed, it sinks back. And it drowns me.

It would`ve been pretty okay if it`s only a boyfriend that I`m missing. But damn it, NO. Friends disappoint me, too.

I always ask myself if I have been right && just with my decisions with friends. I left the group that I loved, lead, supported, filled with too much joy because it hurt me. Now I`m being disappointed with the new clique I have.

I love them too much, I wanna be with them always, I wanna lead them, I want them to have so much fun when they`re with me.

But somehow, all these efforts are not being given back to me. And it`s always boiling down to asking myself what`s wrong with me, once again.

And again, and again.

Then I was thinking, damn it (again), maybe my perception`s wrong.

Maybe friendship shouldn`t be as close as it was in high school.
Maybe boyfriends only are for beauty queens.
Maybe they`ll realize that somehow, I`m important... only when I`m gone.

super update!

2008-01-21T18:54:00.000+08:00

~~DUCK && NEW FRIEND~~ no more. Cos I`m nagsawa. :)) That simple.

I have a new crush though, HRM guy. My cook, I call him. But I`m not telling my friends yet. :)) Kunwari I`m super crushless. :D && I promised myself, the next time magkasalubong kami, I`ll really beam to him, or even say a small "hi!". haha! :)

Midterm exams are over, && I have a new exam to get superkaduper scared of--- ~~qualifying exams~~. It`s super aga nga in the univ ee, others will have it papasok ng 3rd year, but we`re taking it now. As in super now. I`m sooooo tensed && pressured. If I fail that, I`ll be out of the department in a snap, && my tita wants me to be on top or something. Basta I really have to pass it. Insentive is a digicam. haha! I`m really gonna study hard for it. ;)

My sister blog`s a great success! I really think it did, cos if not, no one`ll visit it naman, diba? I`m soooo overwhelmed with the feedbacks. To all who took time to visit, read && comment on the site, thank you soooo much. I wouldn`t be inspired if it wasn`t for you all.

Wonderful bookstore at Serendra, && we saw Nikki Gil! She`s soooo pretty. :) Next time I wanna see KC Concepcion naman. :)

I was able to buy mama her cake, && I`m moolah-less. Cos Thena && I went out nga diba. Then on Friday, my friends && I will chill naman in Figaro (Promenade), then Saturday Serendra again with my cousins naman. Argh. Though, I`m happy, cos I need the air a lot. && walking. :)

To my linkies, I`m superkaduper sorry if I wasn`t && will not able to check your blogs for the meantime. I don`t have much time ee. I promise, once the summer kicks in, I`ll visit all your blog everyday, && comment a lot. Kay? :)

That`s it! I`ll super try to make lotsa sense on my next entry. haha. :)

spilling paints.

2008-01-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

I`ll be updating formally next time. ;)

Right now, I`d like to take you to the sister blog of this page:

spilling paints

It`s a blog where I compiled all my compositions--- poems, short stories, stories by episode, quotes (of my own), lines, etc. Basically everything I wrote! :) I want to share to all of you guys what I have been dreaming of making for a loong, looong time. And I want to hear your comments about it, too. :)

Thank you for all these! :D Merci, merci! :)

footnote:

. Thank you for the many replies I received on my last entry. I know--- even I myself is superkaduper excited with the phone. I`ll really ask Tatay if he could pa-ship na lang cos I changed my mind with W200i. it`s panget pala. haha. :))

BABY, BABY!

2008-01-07T01:48:00.000+08:00

flickr image. :)

Talked to Tatay kahapon, and MYGOLLY, he`ll give me his SE K850i pagbalik nya! Just how cool is that? It`s cybershot men, 5 megapixels! I don`t need a DC with this. It`s too awesome.

And just when I thought I`d settle with the 3 megapixel SE W200i, Papa God rushed a better blessing. :)

Can`t wait, can`t wait! For the meantime, I`ll spend my moolah for W200i, while wala pa ang K850i. Yipee. l♥ve, l♥ve.

I`ll really take care of this baby once it`s mine, promise. haha. :))

And when babalik si Tatay? December 2009. ;)

TROUBLE SLEEPING.

2008-01-07T00:40:00.000+08:00

~~Freaky me~~, I can`t sleep. haha. :)) ( I`m even careful typing cos mama might gising and yell at me ;) )

It`s the first time that this has happened to me. I mean, okay, I`ve had sleepless nights, everybody had right? But this is the first time I actually got up my bed, went out of the room, and go nuts. Do whatever. haha. I just can`t sleep. That`s it. I can`t sleep. I know I need sleep cos I need to finish my Philo exam with my relaxed brain tomorrow--- oops, this morning pala; haha, this morning so I can push through my ME day. So now that I can`t sleep, I`ll torture myself and finish the effing exam. MYGOLLY, am I making sense? Haha.

So, kwentos. I`ll make kwentos na lang. :D

After the movie at ~~channel 7~~ (don`t get me wrong though, I`m not kapuso. I repeat: I`m NOT ~~kapuso~~. It just so happened that Kuya was watching the movie, eh comedy, so yun.), mama yelling, I put on the covers and closed my eyes. Then I can`t sleep. Okay, I thought. I`ll just listen to my MP3 until I feel sleepy. Then I pressed the power botton. Walang nangyari. Okay again, I said. I have a reserve battery. So I replaced the now empty bat with the what-I-thought-is-still-fully-charged-bat. I pressed the power button. Nada. Pressed again. Nada pa rin. Pressed. Pressed. Repeat til fade.

When I reached the 25th time, I gave up. I try to sleep again. Kaso, whenever I do, I`ll just open my eyes again. I really can`t sleep. As in. Soooo freaky. ~~gaga~~. haha. :))

So finally, I stepped out of the room, opened the door, and went to my Kuya`s room. I was having second thoughts, but then I still did. I opened the PC, and here I am. :)

So I`ll just finish my exam. :)

Pero mamaya na yun. Let`s blog muna. :)

I`m losing the bloggy-feeling. Dati talaga I`ve been really addicted to blogging. Whatever thoughts, kung wala aco sa tapat ng PC, I`d type it in my phone, or write at the back of my notebook then transfer pagbalik sa bahay. Now I don`t have any idea what to write! Hiatus would really kill the blogger`s mind, promise.

So now I`m ranting, and ranting, and ranting.

I can`t believe ~~Ruben~~ won kahapon. Do you like him? It`s sorta kinda like conspiracy kasi eh. People voted for him cos, ohmygod, he needs the moolah daw, cos he`s promdi, cos he`s like masa. I dunno. Mama said, kung puro na lang mahihirap ang pinapanalo, sana daw puro na lang mahirap yung pinasali. And I agree. Yes, it`s a competition, yes, it`s all about the money--- but hey, it doesn`t mean conyos don`t have the right to win.

I`ve seen comments on the official PBB multip saying that Riza don`t deserve to win cos her family`s already mayaman na daw. Just how thick! I was thinking, ~~WTF~~, ~~WTF~~? How babaw that is?

To think about it, Riza`s the only housemate who never said anything bad against her other housemate, while most of them got insecured and misunderstood her.

Then Gabby. Oh, how I loved Gabby before! Now I got how she dealt with everything. And I sorta didn`t like it. She wants everything she say, everything she do is correct. Not perfect eh, correct. She can always tell it blatantly, pero she`s always trying to pick the right words. Get it? And eto pa, mama pointed this out: If she never wanted Jon out of the house that time, nung pilian ng big four, and if she was included in the boycott thing, they all should`ve just went out of the house with Jon. That`s the plan din naman, diba? But instead, they`re there, pag- alis ni Jon, they`re jumping like mad there so happy they won.

Yuck, ~~baduy~~ co. haha. I`m too PBB. :))

Then I felt kinda ~~sad~~ kanina, cos, I was thinking, HA, it`s 12 na pala? What am I thinking ba nung 12 ng 25th, my birthday? Kuya was tipsy, and he was kissing and hugging me. It`s a blessing cos it`s the first time he actually was that close with me. And at 12 nung January 1st, I was out there yelling, thinking, ohmen, it`s 2008. He was the first one I greeted in my CP, and I`m not unli pa nun.

Ohmy, the holidays are over, and now I have to deal with the real thing. Tapos na ang fairytale.

But there are better days, right? :)

Last thought: Confess or not confess? Or, just kiss him? Ugh, I`m soooo confused. : I need to get drunk pa muna before I kiss him. Or maybe there`ll be a perfect moment to kiss him. Or, confess to him. I dunno pa. Basta. What`s important now is my exam in Philo. haha. :))

So pano, I`ll go finish my exam na ha? Wish me luck! :)

MOJOS.

2008-01-04T15:02:00.000+08:00

Here’s the rule: Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

1. At what age do you wish to marry? 28 to early 30`s. I`d love to enjoy what I`m doing, travel a lot and save up for the kids, pagawa the house with my future Hubby before finally settling down. I want everything perfect. haha. :))

2. What color do you like most? Gold. :) Shining, shimmering, splendid. ;)

3. If you have the chance, what would you probably say to your beloved one? Je T`aime, of course. :)

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most? HMM. tough. :) Europe! Everywhere in Europe. :D

5. Which part of you that you hate the most? ~~THIGHS.~~ haha. it`s so ~~ga- troso.~~ :))

6. When you encounter a ~~sad moment~~ what would you do? Listen to Rock/ Punk/ Alternative songs until I calm down. :)

7. What are you afraid to lose the most? My life. :D

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do? Buy a DIGICAM and SE W200i! haha. and then, buy a Jaguar, a for-professional camera, then travel around the world. then shop for millions of clothes! then give my family a share, then the rest goes to the bank. ;)

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her? I`d probably just kiss him and ~~run away~~ after. haha. :)

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you. My honey mustard`s so nice! So pretty, and so talino. ;)

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half? Hmm. Kalbo. Matangkad, strong {so he can carry me with my ga- trosong hita. haha }, funny, great in math and creative. :)

12. Till now, what is the moment that you regret the most? Didn`t follow my pedia`s advice when I was 8. :(

13. Which type of person do you hate the most? Thinks s/he`s too important to everybody, always the ~~bida~~ and never watching his/her words. ~~Insecure~~ and too full of themselves.

14. If you had one wish what would you wish for? My whole family would be happy forever. No feuds, no misunderstandings, no poor, no needing, no pasaway. :)

15. What is your ambition? To give in to all my luho and passion! :)) Wanna be a photographer, writer, broadway performer, nurse, athlete, theatre actress, singer. everything! I wanna be just everything. :)

17. Name one of your body part your hubby or boyfriend tells you he adores. Wag na lang he. Let`s me tell them, kay? So they say, my smile and my eyes. :)

18. What makes you the happiest? Reminiscing childhood memoirs and being inlove. :)

19. What do you look forward to in 2008? Fulfilling my dreams by working hard for it. Experiencing my Duck and my friend. { and when I say experience, I mean spend too many time, kay. ;) }

20. If you were given the power to change one thing in the world, what would that be and why? I would change ~~envy~~ to peace. :)It`s self explanatory, darlings. :)

tagged! just, anyone. It`s fun to answer this. ;)

QUOTE.

2008-01-02T16:52:00.000+08:00

Life is ~~too short~~ to wake up in the morning with ~~regrets~~.

So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don`t, and believe that everything happens for a reason.
Know a good thing when you see it, and don`t let it slip away.
If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said it would be easy; they just said it would be worth it.

JAMPACKED, huh. I agree. ;)

LINKIES.

2008-01-02T11:37:00.000+08:00

I want your YMs and FRIENDSTERs. haha. :))

do send me your IDs and E-ADDs, so I can add you up. ;)

thank you a lot! muax.

CREDITS.

2008-01-01T19:55:00.000+08:00

before I forgot { and it becomes an issue } I would like to give credits to Patchi on my pre- new year post. It was her idea, not mine. ;)

i was kinda disturbed cos Beekee made an entry and credited me, and it was supposed to be Patchi`s uhm, honor, and not mine. ;)

patched things up! let`s continue the party! cheers. :))

A FRESH START.

2008-01-01T10:45:00.000+08:00

Happy 2k8, everyone! :)

I woke up today feeling tipsy and giddy. Ideas rush in me--- holidays are finally over, it`s the very first day of these wonderful year, soon it`s summer... MEN, THE BEACH! :)

I always love ideas like that. I`m sooo planning ahead. haha. And feeling this is a new year, it`s certainly a fresh start. I`ve never felt so energize, so enthralled, so thrilled { I`m actually holding my breath now. haha } with everything that`s gonna happen all throughout the year. And damn, I`m so excited to put all my resolutions into action!

Before sharing my resolutions, however, I`d like to share the lessons I`ve learned in the previous year:

No matter how you try, you really can`t please everybody. It`s a cliche since I was a kid, I know, but it`s only now that I realize that it really is true. I was thinking, maybe I was scaring people cos I`m trying too hard to please them. At eto pa--- the more you try, the more you won`t please them.
Never ask for the storm to pass--- learn to dance in the rain. It hit me hard; I`m scared of ~~making mistakes~~, of ~~getting hurt~~. AM I NORMAL? :)) Even in PS games, it`s superkaduper evident. I`m always in the comfort zone when trials come. I never dare try to do something cos I`m scared I`m gonna be wrong, and I`ll only get hurt.
Nobody could love you best than yourself. If you won`t appreciate yourself, if you won`t love you, who would, diba? :) Spread the love inside, before outward. ;)
Know yourself, and never stop there. Same as above. I`ve been very aware naman of my flaws ever since eh, what`s wrong is I`m not do anything about it. How weird, eh? So it`s best that you discover who you are, love it, love even your flaws, and don`t stop there--- do something with the flaws. Fix it, before somebody gets hurt.
Some people would really kill just to see you fall and hurt. And it`s the least expected people--- even friends. Envy is like a ~~disease~~--- a cancer that would eat you, and blind you. So stay focus.
Never depend your happiness to anybody. The best advice my Mom gave me. She said she hates to see me sad, and don`t ever wanna see me sad. And she said that,
"Alam mo, wag mong idepende and kaligayahan mo sa ibang tao. Kasi, pano kung
wala na sila? Hindi ka na masaya. Kaya dapat matuto kang maging masaya na ikaw
lang."
She said that last year, and I just realized how true it was only at the
end of the year. :))
Real friends are those you never expect to be real. And those you expect real are those who aren`t. So be friendly, always--- but never drop trust so easily. Be cynical. Don`t easily lay off your guard. Cos look at this; kung ang kamag- anak nga, nagagawa pang ~~mag- betray~~, lalo na yung mga taong hindi blood- related.
Never waste time on caring about people who doesn`t give a damn about you. I always do that--- I so care too much about everybody, and I just end up getting hurt and disappointed. So why care? Only care for those who care about you. And them? Wala lang. :)) Seriously, just remain civil with them. Period.
Never let other people`s mood seep through your frame of mind. Same as above. Sayang naman ang happiness if you let your bestfriend`s depression get through you. So never alter your mood for everybody. If you're feeling happy and they're not, just go ahead.
God would always be more than willing to forgive you and love you, even if you take Him for granted over and over. And it`s more than a spoonful of love.

So my resolutions...

I`d forever be hyperfun. Tantrums, depressed kuno won`t take me anywhere. So let`s just smile and have fun lagi, right? :)
A gamer for anything, it would really be anything. I don`t care if I get hurt or if I`m wrong. Just do it. ;)
Be more masipag in pag- aaral.

HAHA. I`m too mababaw na. But, bottomline is, I`m open for improvement. With the lessons learned, I know it`s more than a mouthful of change all throughout the year. And it`s not the scary sort, but the blissful.

Since I'm a year older, and this year is about to end..

2007-12-29T19:44:00.000+08:00

I wanna share "significant" events that happened to me this 2007.

Entered COLLEGE.
Wore a long- sleeved uniform.
Wore high-heeled shoes every single damn day to school.
Formed a group called LUNTIANS.
Superkaduper scared for grades. As in, BIGtime.
Regret that I joined the chorale, and never the vball varsity.
Woke up very early just to watch the bball Finals game of my crush { eggnog }.
Interviewed my crush for a project on a subject.
CUT CLASS.
Chilled at Gateway, played at Timezone and come in late everytime that happens. c;
Wore makeup to school.
CAMWHORE.
Went up to the school's roof and played { in heels! }.
Magpa- libre ng Mocha Frap sa Starbuko { first time, too }
Lost a friend.
Lost the group.
Weeded out "walang kwenta" friends.
Went to GH.
Pancake House, Crazy Crepes.
Had my hair rebonded.
Drank with family.
Eastwood with Kuya, his friends, cousins, my cousin's friend. Ipanema. c;
DRANK. as in, for real.

It's been a GREAT year. Great friends, great loves, great "just learned". I never regret experiencing all these, cos I know it contributed something to a year older me and it's really worth experiencing.

Let's be tipsy, crazy fun. Let's welcome Year 2008 with a BANG. c:

Cheers, 2k7! Hello 2k8. c;

PMS-y, so let's take a quiz.

2007-12-28T10:32:00.000+08:00

Rules:
* Do the following without any complaints.
* Choose 5 lucky people to do this after you have done it.
* Leave a tag at his/her tagboard if he/she has been tagged.

FIVE LUCKY PEOPLE:
Dian, Casey, Eumi, Daxie, Lea

FAVORITES:
* Colors : green, pink, orange. basta yung happy colors. c;
* Food: PEANUTS! cake, ice cream. c;
* Song: LSS: "Spend My Life With You" - Eric Benet feat. Tamia.
* Movie: latest, STEP UP. CT's too hott. c;
* Sports: Volleyball, BB, Badminton.
* Day of the week: any day basta happy.
* Season: SUMMER. nothing beats the smell of Beach. tska I'm hyper pag mainit. haha. c:
* Ice cream: Mango and Ube. c;

CURRENTS:
* Mood: PMS-y.
* Taste: Salty { yung peanuts! haha. c: }
* Shirt: Pink, Jockey.
* Desktop: Stripes. LVOE. c;
* Toenail: DIRTY! eewww. I'mma clean up later. haha. c:
* Time: 10:56AM
* Surroundings: amoy coconut { my hair kasi eh. :D }
* Thoughts: EASTWOOD later. first time. c:

FIRSTS:
* Bestfriend: ALLYSA. my cousin. c: { until now! }
* Movie: I remember Lion King in our Betamax. c;
* Lie: { mouth shut }
* Songs: I remember Kuya and I were singing Bizaare Love Triangle when I was three. c:

LASTS:
* Cigar: NEVER eh.
* Drink: nung 25th.
* Car ride: kahapon.
* Phone call: Kagabi.
* CD: Burned CDs for friends.

HAVE YOU EVER:
* Dated your best friend: NO, cos she's a girl. c:
* Broke the law: What LAW?
* Been arrested: don't have any plans. :D
* Kissed someone you don’t know: { you're NORMAL, Kring } NEVER been kissed. cool huh. c;

5 THINGS YOU’RE WEARING:
* VCO { on my hair }
* tee shirt
* shorts
* panty
* bra

4 THINGS YOU’VE DONE TODAY:
* EAT.
* change layie.
* GM.
* maglinis ng bahay.

3 THINGS YOU CAN HEAR NOW:
* Hannah arguing with Ariel habang naglalaro ng SIMS.
* EF.
* Typing. c;

2007-12-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

x TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY.

I've been sooooooo immature.

I've always asked for gifts, wrapped gifts, money, stuffs. BLAH BLAH. In one Christmas Day, I've been too depressed when I received fewer gifts than anybody else.

Now I received fewer than ever. c:

I'm not depressed, nor disappointed, cos Papa God gave exactly what I wanted--- happiness. Diba I said before, "I know we'll have a wonderful Christmas", and I'm right! We were happy. Little tipsy, superkaduper exhausted, but damn it, I'M SO HAPPY. We're all happy.

And I know now--- Christmas, beyond anything else, is really the season to be jolly. It's all about being merry and festive. It's more than wrapped gifts, receiving money from Tito and Tita, Ninong and Ninang.

It's about forgiving each other, loving, and enjoying each other's company.

It's about being thankful for another year that passed. And like cars, we'll surge forward. NEVER backwards.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, everyone. Cheers. c:

2007-12-22T18:51:00.000+08:00

x BLOG HIATUS.

I have been out of blogging for quite a long time { it is cos I am usually addict in posting stuffs, my thoughts here } only because of my SS/ Sloth Syndrome or in layman's term: katamaran. Whenever I try to open my account, I'd just change my mind, or when I start typing down, I'd just delete it all and play instead.

Tonight, I was kinda decided to write something down, since I have countless ideas kept here in my head. I opened my account na, then went to the posting page, when I suddenly changed my mind--- yet again. Then I changed my mind again, so I'm typing something down.

BASTA GANUN. haha. c:

BTW! Stuffs that happened during my SS mode:

MY NEW FRIEND and I are getting closer. Goin home together are more frequent. THOUGH, he makes it clear that, "back off, I have a girlfriend, you know that" with his being nice. As in yung pagiging nice nya, superkaduper, but he sets boundaries. Pero there's this one incident where I know, I KNOW he flirted with me. Oh guys--- always and forever weird for me. :))
NEW CRUSH! duck! Let's call him my Duck. He's superkaduper macho and gwapo. Another basketball hottie. A batch ahead, business management and major. We never met YET, kasi Mae promised that she would introduce me to him. OHMEN.
I HAD MY HAIR REBONDED. Yesness, todo na to! Though it's kaduper irritating kasi I can't tie it up, asteeg pa din cos my bangs is so ayos na. I guess I'll get use to it. c;
GIMMICKS WERE PLANNED, THEN CANCELLED. Just DAMN that. but ohwell. c:
BOUGHT A NEW PLANNER, BOUGHT GIFTS FOR EVERYONE, BOUGHT MY FIRST SET OF MAKEUPS. Which was kaduper FUN, mind you. Sarap mag- shop with the money rolling. So now, I'm moneyless! haha. Hirap gumimmick. :p
LOST LOTSA POUNDS without me noticing it. I lost siguro, 8 pounds. SBD really works. I highly recommend! c;

Now I guess I'm back to blogging. Gimme moments to gather my thoughts so I can write the other ideas before the year ends. c;

OH, HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all of you. Cheers!

♥ A U R E V I O R .

2007-12-09T06:57:00.000+08:00

How would you know if it's the end? My blockmate asked this to my professor in Philosophy just last friday. And it hit me hard.

How would you know if it's the end?

When it ends, it ends diba? There are no tocsins that it's about to end, unless your life is manipulated. Without you knowing when, without you noticing, it'll just scoot--- end.

And no matter how wonderful it is, no matter how enormous it changed your life--- it'll end.

And what's ironic is that, it ends when you don't least expect it will.

Am I making sense? haha. I don't think I am. c:

It just bothered me talaga, and I'm not talking about a particular event that happened. I mean--- there's no forever. It's just a word. And let's face it, everything ends. Relationships, things.

But how will we know if it's the end? The real end?

2007-12-04T20:26:00.000+08:00

I SO LVOE MY FRIENDS. c:

Tama kayo girls, I should be the one to decide. Nagpapapansin lang siguro aco. haha. c:

Anyway, just a little update about the two friends:

DATING FRIEND:

Sabi ni Paks, he has a girlfriend na daw. Blockmate nya, then kakasagot pa lang daw sa kanya. OHMEN. It hurt ha. Kasi, he's my inspiration in anything--- SBD, school, being bubbly, kulit, hyperfun. Tapos, now that he has girlfriend, wala na siya. Like damn. :c

BUT, it's okay with me na. I swear. Because new friend made me happy. c:

NEW FRIEND:

He checked my paper! I swear it was him. I know his handwriting eh. Then, nagkasabay- sabay pa kami sa LRT. FUN. Then, when he noticed na I'm sad (tska I'm blatant about it rin), he asked why, but I don't wanna say kasi he knows dating friend! They're chums! Then he said, "I thought we're friends." Then he made kulit and pilit until we part. He always say, "Really? Try me." when I say no, because you might tease me. HAHA. c:

New friend is so kilig. I so LVOE being with him. Talking to him. Staring at him. Laughing with him. He's so easy in the eyes. He's so cute. c;

JUST REALIZED:

I know I've always loved thrills, adventures... anything exciting. Nagkasundo kami ni new friend with the thought na love is exciting only when you're not together. Pero pag kayo na, damn, boring. Agree? c:

I'm only after the chase. The kilig moments, bitin moments. When I'm into the relationship, I try all stuffs to make it exciting and not so mushy. Kaso, when the partner won't cooperate, I get tired. Then ayaw co na. Ganun.

Right now, it's a damn chase. And I'm loving it. über. c:

x To all who shared their views on my former post, MARAMING SALAMAT. Your comments are very much appreciated by me. c:

♥ A U R E V O I R .

2007-12-03T17:46:00.000+08:00

It was dating friend that I love before new friend. Now I like them both. Not love, but LIKE. Now I need your help. Si dating friend, o si new friend?

NEW FRIEND:

mas close kami, kasi we're... close. we're close eh. haha. c:
we ALWAYS have moments together.
he's just a glance away.
we're click. people ALWAYS say we're bagay.
we laugh together, we sometimes catch ourselves glancing at each other (i know, i know)
above all these, there's a BUT.
BUT he has a girlfriend. c:

DATING FRIEND:

i LVOE him.
he's not YET mine.
i'm loving him from afar.
he's so far, actually.
we're hanggang bati lang.
we only have one moment.
he's so HOTT. my basketball hottie.
he inspires me.
his smile completes my day.
i don't know him so much, but I love him. i wanna love him.
dunno his love life status.
we have common friends.

So pano, who's your pick? Dating friend o new friend? c:

2007-12-01T20:24:00.000+08:00

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Can't believe how fast days are. In 24 days, I'll be saying goodbye to being sixteen and say hello to the ever fab seventeen.

Right now, I feel:

HOPELESS - to loose weight.
HARRASSED - cos I've got lotsa things to do, and lotsa events to attend.
WORRIED - because Mama seem to not wanting to put up Christmas decorations this year. I mean, COME ON. how's Christmas without the Christmas ambience?
TIRED - of worrying.
UGLY - because Allysa honestly told me so. and Hannah. (I admit, I really am. Maybe because of the diet? Hopefully.)

As you've noticed, it's all negative. I need time to get rid of all these. I know my family and I'll have a very wonderful Christmas and New Year. And this is just a phase. So I'll calm down and cheer up. But it isn't easy now, cos I need time. Really.

Things to look forward to, though:

EASTWOOD with Carla, Martina, Matrina, Mylang, Rai, Latootz, Cielo and Chiqui. (Meeting of my HS clique and my new clique! exciting. :])
CHRISTMAS FAIR at school. From frosh to seniors, regardless of courses. I hope no one will be KJ not to wear Rudolph's nose or anthlers!
CHRISTMAS DAY hopefully more gifts! useful gifts, I must say. ;]
NEW YEAR'S EVE lighting up those firecrackers and fireworks again. yiiiiihaa! :]

Okay, I'll be happy. Let's all be happy. Life's too short to put to waste. :]

♥ A U R E V O I R .

2007-11-30T17:01:00.000+08:00

SO CAN'T WAIT...

TO HAVE MY FIRST KISS. You who have experienced it, how was it? I've always been curious. I always imagine how would it feel for me to kiss someone I love so much, I just so love I would burst, and to prevent myself from bursting I would kiss him so I can make him feel that love.

What is its prerequisites? Does it need moonlight? Does it need soft music, flowers around you, butterflies in your stomach, shiny hair, lip gloss? Does it need rain? What does it need to be perfect?

Oh, first kiss. In fairytales, it said that it is the most powerful thing in the world. I can't wait to have it with the person I love so much. :]

TO BE WITH HIM. Have you ever felt that feeling of longingness for someone? You see him everyday, and you ask yourself, "Why is he not with me?"

I did promise myself that I'd do anything for him to be mine. Oh, crappy. I don't care. He's so... grabe, I so love him talaga. And I want him mine. He'll be mine, not someday, but soon. Cos I'll do anything.

And I can't wait for that day to come. Can't wait.

TO MAKE MYSELF PROUD.

TO COOK!

TO DECORATE OUR HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS.

Kayo, what's in your Can't Wait List? Share! :]

FOR THOSE WHO ARE INTERESTED, BTW.

GIRLS, GUYS. Gimme your YM id so I can answer your personal-for-me questions through IM. I don't really feel like sharing things from my neck (not the head anymore cos you've been reading lotsa thoughts of mine) to foot here. Maarte talaga co. Nyehe. Plus, chatting is über fun. One on one, diba. ;]

♥ A U R E V O I R.

2007-11-26T17:17:00.000+08:00

WHAT AN ENCHANTED DAY.

As promised, mama and I went to movies and watched Enchanted. And I'm telling you, it's truly enchanting. It's not just another kid's show. It's great.

I've always been a fan of fairy tales. Mushy (and almost corny) love stories of once upon a time, finding Prince Charming--- a knight with shining armor, brandishing a sword and flaunting his dreamy looks with his thrusty horse. Living happily ever after.

So you might say, "Oh shut up. Fairy tales don't come true. Grow up, or dream on." But I say no. I can't live without magic in my life. :]]

Besides, there truly is a man for every woman. And mine? He's a Prince Charming, absolutely. :D

QUOTABLE QUOTES (FROM THE MOVIE):

■ "I am not wishing for him (Prince Charming) to come. He is." --- Giselle
■ "Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times.Do we have to sacrifice the good times for it? No."

And hey, if Prince Charming is as HOTT as Mcdreamy, why not? :]]

Then at lunch, we ate at Pancake House. My first time, and it was fabulous. Asian Salad is the best.

We'll have happily ever after. Promise.

all pictures from Enchanted movie are taken from yahoo! movies.

2007-11-23T17:18:00.000+08:00

"ANG GANDA.."

Is happiness an illusion?

I'm proud to say that our Philo prof (who was really hard to please) liked my question, and breathed out, "Ang ganda.." like he fell in love with that (question).

I enjoy Philo classes, moreoever online discussions. Pero minsan, nakakaburat lang talaga, kasi hindi ka lang basta mag- iisip, magphi- philosophize ka! And every after class, you feel so disturb, you think of all those questions left hanging and you wanna find the answers to stop yourself from feeling disturbed.

So see, Philosophy wasn't so easy. You need a broad thought to catch up with its phase.

Anyway, back to my question: Is happiness an illusion? I come up with the question after we've talked about the lack and the void. Prof explain that we all have this void inside us; many times we just brush off the feeling or deny that we have. Here's an example:

You wake up early for work. You work all day, and then party all night. Giddy atmosphere--- brights lights, loud music, a goblet of champagne. You might even hook up with someone, flirt. But after all it's done, you go back to your home, sit up the edge of your bed, and you found yourself thinking about it. And then you feel this aching feeling of emptiness.

That's the void. No matter how hard you try to be happy, to give yourself everything you want, to achieve your goals, reach your wildest dreams--- at the end of the day, there's still something that's missing. There's still something lacking.

And through a question of my blockmate, Prof said that it might not be filled, and it would be forever with us. Now I wonder, if that's the case, if we would always be feeling that emptiness, is HAPPINESS AN ILLUSION? Is it another figment of man's imagination, a work of art, an excuse for people with so much pride just to say they don't feel that emptiness?

What do you think?

2007-11-22T19:34:00.000+08:00

I MISS PLAYING VOLLEYBALL.

Aww. I so miss playing volleyball. :[

I über regret joining the Chorale instead of the CFS team this year. Next year, I'll make everything right!

I'm so hungry for it. HUNGRY. When I see a ball, that tri- color Mikasa ball that made my world go round in my last year in high school, I so wanna hit it, play it with my arms, strike a spike. Ang hirap ng nanunuod ka lang when you know how to play the fcuking game. DIBA? Parang, "Damn it, I should've been there!".

I wanna play cos I didn't played my best before, and now I wanna prove that I am the best. And moreover because I love the game. I enjoy playing it. Hindi ko iniinda yung sakit ng katawan after, cos what matters is I played my game.

And they say, "Once an athlete, always an athlete". Now I can attest to that.

2007-11-21T19:32:00.000+08:00

GOT TAGGED. ;]

I feel touched to have been tagged. Aww. Tagger, this is for you. haha. ;)

Tag: Alphabet Version...

A - Age: 16

B - Band Listening To Right Now: Boys Like Girls.

C - Career: BROADWAY PERFORMER. ;]

D - Drink or Smoke: neither. never.

E - Easiest Friends To Talk To: Rai, Myla and Allysa.

F - First Crush: A guy named Mark back in kindergarten.

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Latter. ;]

H - Have a Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Both! And MANY. (girl friend = kaibigang babae, boy friend = kaibigang lalake)

I - In love: üBER. :"]

J- Junk Food You Like: Frito Lays. Oh my G. I could live eating it forever.

K - Kids: wanna have twin na boys. para makulit. HAHA. :]

L - Longest Ride Ever: Baguio. ;]

M - Making love out of nothing at all: that's weird. making LOVE, then OUT OF NOTHING AT ALL? Huh? GULO. :]]

N - Names For Your Future Kids: hmm. lemme think about it for a while. ;]

O - One Wish You Have Now: loose weight and make HIM mine. :]

P - Phobias: dark, then masikip places.

Q - Favorite Quote: "Give a little love, and it all comes back to you."

R - Reasons To Smile: HIM and the things I'm doing for myself. And my family.

S - Sleeping Time: 11 pm.

T - Time You Woke Up: 4:30 am.

U - Unknown Fact About You: SECRET.

V - Vegetable You Hate: okra! oh, never, would I eat that again! :[[

W - Worst Habit: nail biting. :D

X - X-rays You’ve Had: teeth, ankle (when I was sprained), chest (yearly, for clinic clearance nung high school)

Y - Yummy Foods: SISIG. grabe. :]

Z - Zodiac Sign: Capricorn. ;]

TAGGED: anybody.

2007-11-20T20:19:00.000+08:00

QUOTE.

Before I finally log out, I wanna share a quote to all of you. ;]

Sabi ni Bob Ong...
"Mangarap ka at abutin mo ito...
Huwag mo sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta o mga lumilipad na ipis.
Kung may pag- kukulang sa iyo ang magulang mo, pwede kang mag- rebelde.
Tumigil ka sa pag- aaral, mag- drugs ka, mag- pakulay ng buhok sa kilikili.
Sa bandang huli, ikaw din ang magsisisi.
Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at narating."

Pag isipan mo.
Masyadong maganda ang buhay para sirain. ;]

2007-11-20T20:11:00.000+08:00

THERE'S HOPE, THERE'S HOPE!

Sa wakas, I found answer to end my I'm-so-ugly!!! days---

SOUTH BEACH DIET!

Okay, as usual, pati mga sinabi ko, napagtripan ko ng kainin. Before, my line was, "Oh my G, I so hate those girls who don't eat to parties, scared they might gain weight. They're über thin, but still thinks they're too fat!". I'm sorry, but I'm one of them now.

Call me late bloomer, or... whatever, basta, I desperately need to loose this fcuking weight! If I use South Beach (which, until now, eh hindi ko alam kung bakit South Beach ang tawag. ;]), I'll be able to loose 10 pounds in two weeks, and a total of 20 pounds in a month! Sakto sa Christmas fair.

OH MY, OH MY... I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Without Herlz and Carla and Bianca Barretto, I wouldn't have the drive. Maybe I was destined to be surrounded by model- like girls to act model- like myself.

STOP staring at me like that. I'm just being a girl. A proper one, I might add. ;]

2007-11-19T17:30:00.000+08:00

I LIVE BY MISS LEA'S WORDS. :]

"Some people will say you're great; some will say you're horrible. Believe neither of them."

-- Lea Salonga.

True, true. :]

You can't please everybody. You can't hate, curse or love all, either. I know myself. I know what I'm capable of doing, I know what I'm not. I know how to deal with insecurities, I know how to make myself happy. I know real friends, I weeded fake ones already.

I won't let any person in the face of this earth pull me down, hurt me or push me to depression. Cos, naturally, they have no right.

I'll love forever. I'll love those who deserves my love. But I won't hate those who I can't love.

Because I only have one life; one chance to make it good. It will be in my credits if I do all good things I can do, and not theirs. ;]

2007-11-19T08:39:00.000+08:00

DREAMS IN MULTI-COLOR.

I love my guys in fourth year (my guys = my guy friends). They're sooooo weird! And when I mean weird, it's a good thing, so calm down. ;] They're weird cos, they can be the meanest among all mean guys, but they also can be the sweetest among all sugars. These guys, these are the guys I would surely never forget. :]]

"Dapat sa college payat ka na... tapos kakantahan mo ko. Tapos, dapat sa college kumakanta ka na, tapos ikaw na yung papanuorin namin sa TV. Ha?"

-- Dexter

THAT SCENARIO: Hustle- bustle of Physics lab. In the middle of an experiment, Dek approached me, then started making kulit. Then he said that. AWW. I smiled and nodded in agreement.

And I remembered, that day, I was so stressed and depressed (oops, no pun intended!). And with that, with those words, he made my day a-okay.

Dek has always been very supportive of my singing career (naks! meron pala ako nun? :]]). He calls me his "alaga", makes me sing for him everytime, tapos deal with programmes so I can be a part. He always flatter me with, "Ang ganda talaga ng boses nito, no? Parang.. parang pang- angel! Yihee!". Sa mga friends niya, pinagyayabang niya ko, saying, "Alaga ko 'to! Magaling yang kumanta!".

But above all these, we're so not close. Only the singing part connect us. Nevertheless, he's one of my inspirations. :]

***

SCENARIO 2: (from my personal diary, written Feb. 28, 2007) One day, este morning pala, I was eating pan de coco. Benito decided to sit beside me. Sabi niya, "Food trip!" na parang nang- aasar. Then I said nothing. We're quiet. Tapos, he said, "Dapat next year payat ka na ha. Kasi pag payat ka na... basta, dapat next year payat ka na, ha? HA?"

Hmm. I smell something fishy. :]

Graymark. Always been very kulit. Ang kulit talaga niya. Pero cute yan ha. Very melting brown eyes he has. Common interest we share--- music. Dashboard Confessional, particularly. One time nga we sang "Hands Down" together pa eh. At nakalagay siya ulit sa diary ko. Nyahahaha. :]

SCENARIO: (from my personal diary, written March 4, 2007) "My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me... so much..."

He looked at me with a very different smile... like... at that very moment we felt... so... in love with each other. That smile... I saw it the first time at the moment. It felt like time stood still and that his face (and that smile) was the only thing I'm seeing.

It's a bliss.

Basta, that's it for Graymark's story. If I kwento further, baka iba na yung masabi ko, misleading the truth. HAHA. :]] (misleading cos, there's no guarantee. mamaya lumabas akong assuming. nyahaha. :])

What I'm trying to say is, these two guys: they change my life, intentionally or unintentionally. They sparked this small hope inside of me. I know my dream is so far- fetched, so unusual--- the type that surely, will just remain as a dream. Even my mama don't believe na I can't do it. Even those people who I was expecting would believe in me, didn't. Only these guys (plus Raisa, Myla and Allysa, which is another story. ;]).

And whenever I look back at those days, grabe--- my life wasn't so bad at all. I wasn't so bad. I have been loved, admired--- pushed and inspired. And these two guys; they didn't know how much have they moved my life. And I would always be thankful that I have met them. :]

2007-11-19T07:26:00.000+08:00

MESSAGE.

Why are there people so mean, no? They think they're so important to everyone, they think that without their presence, everybody'd just fall into pieces.

Tapos they keep on asking favors to people, without giving back the kindness. STOP IT nga. :

This was my GM last night, expressing a wonder that has been troubling me constantly.

It's a harmless question. It's harmless thought. But somehow, this insy- bitsy thought flared up everybody. A lot replied asking, "Oh, sino nanaman ang pinariringgan mo..?", "Cnu? Cnu?", "Who's the GM for?"

Like I was the meanest! Call me onion- skinned or whatever, but I was damn insulted. I was just wondering! Tangina.

Diba there are people naman talaga na ganun? Feeling importante in this world, feeling they're worth a trillion. They make an effort to come in to lives of others, whether those others want them or not. Then use them. DIBA THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

And I don't get why they're thinking na nagpaparinig ako. I don't do that. Only cowards do. Hindi ako naninira. And kung manira man ako, IF EVER, sasabihin ko yung pangalan nung taong sisiraan ko.

And to those people who doubts my mouth... they don't know me.

2007-11-18T10:47:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU :]].

Sa lahat ng mga nag- comment sa last post ko, SALAMAT NG MARAMI. Nakatulong talaga kayo. :]

Kisses goes to all of you. MUAX. :-*

2007-11-12T10:36:00.000+08:00

WHY ARE THEY LEAVING?

{
RAISA, this is the explanation I owe you. ;]
}

I've been into a lot of relationships, both romantic and friendly. Even hateships. It's part of a person's daily life, right. Being a social animal, we are in constant need of comfort and warm from another person. We need to talk, love and relate to others to maintain equilibrium.

Unfortunately for me, relationships doesn't always work the way I want it to be. Especially romantic relationships. Guys do come my way, stay a while, flirt, make me fall, make me attached, and they poof! suddenly scoot. So suddenly, I wasn't able to ask why.

And I'm back again to being alone.

My girls tend to say it wasn't my fault, or it wasn't completely my fault. But hey, without knowing why are they leaving, I of course would assume that the problem was on my side. I try talking to them, asking them why, but they just shrug. Worse, they don't talk to me anymore. And just what the hell is that.

Friendships are the same. They only like me when I'm at my best. They only stay when I entertain them, when I make them laugh, when I'm so high. But when I fall down to pieces, crack open to pressure, burnout--- they leave me hanging. They leave me hanging on a thin thread that won't be able to hold me that long.

I take as long as I can take. I endure the pain as long as I can endure. But when it's just too much--- like any human, I crack.

I try making all relationships I'm diving into last. I tell as soon as possible when I'm not interested to engage myself with someone. Walang paligoy- ligoy. And to those that I wanna engage in, I make an enormous effort to make it last--- shower them with love, affection and attention. But it won't work. In the end, they would take for granted all the things I've done whole- heartedly for them.

And then again, I'm alone.

Maybe because I always compromise my feelings for whoever who gives me even very little affection. Maybe because I give in easily, just because of the urge of need. Maybe because I settle for whoever who comes my way--- who wasn't I was waiting for, who wasn't my type, who wasn't really interesting. And so they just end up disappointing me.

I feel so bad yesterday because of him. Him who showered me with his 5oo % attention, him who says "I'm sorry" everytime. Him who calls me with a weird but affectionate name. Him who likes what he sees in me. Him who talks to me like no other. Him who told me he misses me, who heaped me with praises, who blatantly wish I was of legal age so he could court me.

I've been so childish. I actually got jealous of that girl (I even called her bitch. Oh, sorry. I'm just like that when I hate the girl). I still feel kinda bad cos we still haven't talked. It's not the same anymore.

And I actually expected it would never really be the same.

But I learned. I learned that I was, alas, hasty again. I realize that it wasn't suppose to be what I was thinking. That it was just me. And we have different perspective on this whatevership. I was thinking it was leading somewhere (God, that fast), but he's thinking this is what it would just be.

And for you, this song. :]

Aww. Sorry kung nag- drama mode ako. I just need a great release. :]

I swear I really learned. I woke up today feeling better than yesterday (gosh, I cried so hard because of that). I'm so young. Madali pa akong mauto, there are lotsa things I need to learn and get used to. And I'm glad that I come out of this thing, learning lotsa so fast. :D

PIECES OF ADVICE I GAVE MYSELF AND WANNA SHARE TO YOU, TOO.

■ NEVER settle.
■ NEVER compromise your feelings.
■ love inward BEFORE outward.

2007-11-12T10:21:00.000+08:00

GOT FROM DIAN. ;]

Rules:
- Pick your birth month.
- Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
- Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.
- Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a lj-cut.
- Tag 12 people from your friends list.

I tag: WHOEVER. it's sooo hard to pick. :]]

MINE:

DECEMBER. Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. ~~Not egotistic.~~ Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions.
Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
Bakit lahat bold?? HAHA. :]] I crossed out not egoistic kasi
I am. ;]
Now you might say I'm mayabang to say I'm sexy. For me kasi, sexy doesn't really pertain to what your eyes can see: hot ass, overflowing boobs, curvy bod. Sexy for me is something beyond seeing. It's all in the heart and mind. ;]
Besides, I have sexy eyes and lips naman ah. HAHA. :]] Now I'm nagyayabang.

Here are the birth months along with the characteristics:

JANUARY. Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY. Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH. Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL. Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY. Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE. Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY. Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST. Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER. Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER. Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER. Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER. Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

2007-11-07T20:24:00.000+08:00

Now you guys need not to have a college degree to understand my blog. HAHA. :]]

It's kinda funny na nakaka- insulto. Boo, dunno. basta. FUN pa rin kung tutuusin. :D

My week's not yet at its end, kaya I'll post on Monday or Sunday. I have lotsa kwento. haha. :]

2007-11-04T18:59:00.001+08:00

KINDA LATE ALL SOULS AND SAINTS DAY CELEBRATION.

Halloween to All Souls' Day--- these are my gosh-I'm-so-scared-and-it's-so-hard-to-sleep days. I've always been scared in mumus and monsters and any nocturnal creature ever since I was a kid. I think it's natural when you're sheltered.

I'm nyctophobic pa. Nung varsity days kasi, our coach, thinking it's a good laugh, turned off the lights in the gym as I was the only one there packing my stuffs. And it was über dark I can't see anything. Eh since my mind is hyperactive at imaginative, ayun, natakot ako ng sobra. It started there. It freaked me out talaga.

On our way home from our night swimming in Laguna, Allysa and I talked about mumus, nocturnal creatures, monsters--- all scary stuffs at 3am in the morning. I personally experienced one na kasi with Dianah. We took a picture of a guy in the jeep and iba yung lumabas. It's scary talaga when it happened right before your eyes. And I said to Allysa, "Totoo talaga yung mga mumu."

But I don't get the point. I mean--- they're dead. They've had lived their lives enough. Why are they still here? Don't they think it's tiring to still be here instead of being with God and in peace? Why are they still mingling with the people not done with living their lives? They shouldn't have any regrets, they shouldn't blame anybody. They shouldn't be messing our lives. They shouldn't be scaring our butts off. They should be happy to at last have eternal rest.

And that leaves a simple to all of us still living--- redundant as they say, but still it makes sense: "Live life to the fullest". Let's not waste a moment. Live each day as if we know we'll die the next day. So when it is time for us to forever leave this world, all we need is to rest, and not mix with the living anymore.

2007-11-04T18:32:00.000+08:00

THOUGHT ON VANITY

We want to come out great in pictures--- flash a model- like smile, put on fancy clothes, set up a theme, pose til you drop, go edit; then put it in friendster or multiply. We need to look great. We need to have zillion pictures where you look über gorgeous and oozing with appeal.

And why?

Because we try to impress. Because we want to be noticed. Because we want somebody to come up to us and say, "Hey gorgeous. I dig you a lot.". But you know what? We will stop being vain, stop posing like a model for pictures when we finally have that someone. Cos when we have them... who cares? We need not to impress anymore. :]

2007-11-03T12:43:00.000+08:00

TEXTING.

I can't sleep at 11 pm kagabi, so my blockmates and I texted. After an hour, suko agad ako. Haha. :]] Anyway, eto yung dalawang reply na tinawanan ko. Funny eh. Mwahahaha. ;]

Martina:

■ Haha. C kalbo?. Haha. Yihee!. Wus hu my environment pa u na cnsabi e ung rison naman talaga e c kalbo eh. Haha.

- pinag- uusapan kasi namin yung paglipat ng Block C. tas sabi ko, "Yeah, magkakasama na kami ni Eggnog my love! :D" then she replied this. Grabe, I laughed talaga. :]]

Karines:

■ oo nga. tama tama! untik qp makalimutan. street party ba ito?!ü haha.

- eto naman, yung blow out niya yung pinag- uusapan namin. eh gusto niya, yung mura lang. kaya i suggested, kwek kwek, calamares, sisig, dugo tas isaw. :D

I so LVOE texting. kaso I don't have load today eh. Waa. Laters. :D
Anyone who wanted to go text with me, you gimme your digits lang. Basta globe, there's no prob. Haha. :]] GO TEXT.

2007-11-03T12:21:00.000+08:00

QUESTIONS. (nov. 1, 2007)

Mga tanong ko mula kahapon:

■ Ba't kaya bilog ang ilaw?
■ Superhero ba ako para isipin muna ang kapakanan ng iba?
■ Mag- mall kaya ako? [1]
■ Ide- deposit ko kaya 'to? [2]
■ Ano kayang iniisip niya?
■ Ano kayang mangyayari pagbalik ko ng school?

■ Kelan kaya kami magpapa- facial? [3]
■ Kwek kwek o mani? [4]
■ Magsi- swimming kaya? [5]
■ Ba't kaya sila sumsigaw?
■ Kelan kaya matatapos mag charge yung phone ko?

■ Magpalipat na lang kaya talaga ako ng block? [6]
■ Matulog na lang kaya ako maghapon?
■ Have I been selfish? [7]

SAGOT (Luckily I answered some.):

1. Wag na lang. Katamad. :]]
2. Next time na lang; 500 lang naman eh.

3. OMG. TG. Sunday. :]]

4. Both!

5. Delayed si Papa God, pero, YEA! :]]

6. Wag na--- ka- block ko naman siya eh. OHYEA. :]

7. Eh sila kaya?

Parang Word Play. :]] It's my favorite hobby to think; useful man o useless.

2007-10-30T12:22:00.000+08:00

WAITING FOR THE ROCKET TO COME.

I miss Eggnog.
I miss being a volleyball varsity.
- I miss making buhat the foods we'll each for lunch then merienda.
- I miss the laughing moments. Singing- at- the- top- of -our -lungs moments.
- I miss them insisting I'm their lucky charm.
- I miss my crying every after training cos of frustration to be their best.
- I miss the water jugs, them laughing at my pronunciation of "coleman" (me: coolman)
- I miss me having those baon spikes.

And then, I'm:

■ ...waiting for Mama to announce that we'll really go swim at Laguna on Friday.
■ ...gonna get my ATM na mamaya! :]] (finally)
■ ...gonna have cash mamaya siguro. ohyea.
■ ...studying French (harhar.)
■ ...doodling.
■ ...making sketches of the clothes I wanna have (killing the boredom din.)

HAHA. Go Sembreak.

2007-10-30T11:33:00.000+08:00

WHAT'S GOOD IN GOODBYEs?

■ tis the closure of a million years of pain.
■ tis finally calling it quits.
■ tis finally accepting that it's not worth the fight.
■ tis respecting each of your decisions to move on.
■ tis leaving a ton of respect and love for yourself.
■ tis accepting that it really is not meant to be.
■ tis accepting that you both had a fault.
■ tis learning to live, laugh and love without the other's hand in yours.

So it's better now to just let go of it. :]

2007-10-27T16:30:00.000+08:00

mae: uy! eggnog enrolled kanina. tapos i saw chad datu and miranda :D hehe! nakausap ko pa si eggnog. haha! pero hindi naman big deal...

she sent it to me kagabi ng 10:30pm. i kept on screaming, "daya, daya, daya!" but then, i whispered na lang, "Papa God, okay lang! okay lang, basta pasado ako, okay lang!"

haha. and my grades were good nga. so it's okay na. no biggie. :D
hai. happy thoughts. :]

2007-10-27T14:28:00.000+08:00

YES! WAG NO. :]

Haii. They're all right--- worrying won't take me anywhere. It's my thing since I could remember: get so scared, assume this will happen, or that, then damn worry. Ewan ko ba; kasi I can't relax talaga when it comes to grades. It's not a joke, especially in college. My future depends on these bloody grades I need to maintain. I have lotsa plans for my future pa naman, so what will happen kung bumagsak ako.

Lara and Hannah said I'm being OA, and they're right. I'm too aware. Kasi, paulit ulit ko ngang sinsabi, I won't worry kung wala akong maling ginawa. Kaso meron. So yun.

Anyway, too good Papa God gave me a chance, and made me pass. God bless all my professors! haha. :]

So now, I'm genuinely happy. Euphoric, as a matter of fact. Excited, moreover for our swimming next week. Ohyea. My first time to go night swimming. :]]

***

I'm über vain na! Naks. For me, it's an improvement. Sassy + Vanity = Improvement. Kasi before, my titas, cousins and mama would complain na hindi man lang daw ako marunong mag- ayos. Wala man lang akong ka- arte arte sa katawan, unlike my cousin/kinakapatid/like lil sis/best friend Allysa. Dati I'm proud of it pa, kasi I'm being noticed (you know that kinda notice. :]]) without fixing myself up. Hindi naman ako ala- bruha, yung natural lang.

Now, I'm too camwhore, I always look in the mirror every now and then, I keep on stroking my bangs, and I project in front of the mirror when I'm alone (NOTE: not always)! My fashion sense is doing great, and I'm planning to buy make- ups sa bench this December.

But no, I won't use the make- ups every single moment of my life. I'mma use it on parties, whatever occassions. Para all dolled- up, diba?

***

Wanna go swim. Wanna go watch a comedy flick. Wanna go see him na. Ooh, can't wait. :]

2007-10-25T22:34:00.000+08:00

texting. i love texting. whee~! :]

but what i hate in texting is, yung andami dami mo ng sinabi, naka- 3 pages ka ng kwento, tapos biglang ire- reply lang sayo: okay. mmkay. kay. OK.

kamusta ka naman nun? like, anung relevance..?? DUH?!

you know that feeling? andami dami mong shinare, halos humagul- gol ka na dun, tapos biglang--- okay lang? yun lang ang sasabihin sayo? damn! T.T

what if yung kausap siya eh sabihan na siya na, "you're so uggggly." will s/he still say okay? haha. STOP. I'm being pointless. :D

"sheesh.
i'm excited to go swim, then write. then go out with my HS friends. then shop. haha. :]"

- share ko kay Lara

and i forgot to add: be vain. camwhore. have a great real dive. be beautiful. be happy. drink. love. be thankful. have a blast this sembreak. ohyea.

***

i've already finished Louise Rennison's Angus, Thongs and Full- Frontal Snogging. Imagine how long the bloody enrollment took me: I started sa jeep papuntang LRT, page 18 to 132 sa line (i had an hour break and i toured Hannah around the campus) then 133 up to the last page here, pagkatapos kong mag- computer (around 8:30).

I found Brit humour really catchy and funny. I've been once obsessed with their culture (HP fan eh), and I am now again.

BLOODY SNOGGING--- I secretly am wanting that. haha. (snogging= kissing [though it sounds kinda bastos. haha.])

I fulfilled a wish! Yea! :D

If you've seen this book in a bookstore, go ahead and buy. It's great pala talaga. haha. :]

2007-10-24T10:10:00.000+08:00

I've been browsing through my messages folder while I was waiting for my turn in the computer, and I noticed, friends have given me great quotes I can either relate or give me inspiration. It gives realization, it sprouts hope, it sometimes give me laughter.

Here are my favorites:

"When you've done something wrong, admit it and be sorry. No one has ever choked to death from swallowing his pride."
"Be happy when God answers your prayer, but... be more thankful when God makes YOU the answer to someone else's prayer."
"You must take pleasure in pain inflicted by people who can't seem to get a life... They live to criticize every inch of you, when in fact every little flaw they see hits them with pangs of jealousy. For the reason that even if you're a little stained, they hopelessly ask themselves... "How in the world does she make it look just perfect?"."
"Have you ever realized that when people say you've changed, it's just because you've stopped living your life... THEIR way? True isn't it? Think about it."

I've never been so overwhelmed by text messages, not until now. :D So I'm thankful talaga. I know, in some point, these are messages from Papa God, diba?

Hoping you're as well feeling blessed and inspired! Muahuggs. :-*

2007-10-23T21:19:00.000+08:00

A friend forwarded this quote to me:

"Leave someone--- you have that right. But the least you can do is tell them why. Because what's even worse, what's even more painful than being abandoned is knowing that you're not even worth an explanation."

- Peter Parker.

... and then I thought: Shouldn't you tell that to yourself? Shouldn't I be the one making that point to you?

2007-10-22T22:38:00.000+08:00

Waa... After a while. :]

Hindi kasi ako makaisip ng matinong iku- kwento. Tsaka bumabaliko yung English co lately eh. Haha. May mood swings siya. :]]

Anyway, kwento.

I'm happy. I'm very happy lately. I'm too happy it's kinda scary. You know that feeling? Parang, wag na lang muna magsaya kasi baka mas matindi yung kapalit? That's what I'm feeling. Panu kasi, I still haven't gotten my grades. And it's killing me! :

Hindi naman ako dapat mag- alala diba? Kung nasagutan ko ng maayos yung Logic. Kung natapos ko yung Algeb. At di aco tinamad sa tatlong sunud- sunod na exams sa Filipino. T.T

Ilam beses na kong pinipilit nina Thena na umalis eh, pero hindi muna ako gumagala--- not until I get my grades! Naku, sana lang talaga! :

That's my worry for until Wednesday kung walang bagsak. Pero kung meron, malamang I'll dwell on it for the remaining days of the Semester's Break. Damn.

Other kwento! :]

Last day, I saw Eggnog. Hindi na ako nag- hesitate, nilapitan ko na then bati. Grabe, smile pa lang ulam na. LURVE. :]

Pero sa totoo lang, Dianah burst my bubble. She said reproachfully na mahahalata na daw niya co. WAAA. :

We're friends naman, right? Shouldn't friends greet each other? So what's wrong with that?

Pero I brush the nega feeling na lang, and focused on his smile. Ohyea. Heaven.

Another.

Ansaya. Puro bonding moments with my family. I wish na this sembreak would never end! I found my true friends, weeded out fakes, and then happy thoughts na! Tapos Papa God showered me with too much blessings in life pa: my will to go diet, my wonderful mama, gorgeous real friends, closer family, love and happiness. I'm overflowing nga eh. Worry free, pressure free, basta free of everything negative! :D

I'm slowly coming in contact with my old self again. I'm getting to know her again. LVOE. :]
Cheers! :]

//LOVE.EROS.

2007-10-17T18:04:00.000+08:00

Alam niyo naman guys na über inspired ako dahil kay Eggnog ever since diba? And with that, I was able to make quotes about love. Insy- bitsy things bout love. GM ko yan everyday, especially when we have moments. Lemme share it with you naman:

LVOE is...
■ ... sitting at the edge of the bench to make room even if you perfectly know that he won't dare sit with you.
■ ... when it already gets frustrating not to get him out of your mind.
■ ... when you say, "going to the powder room" when you really mean, "just going to take a quick glance on him!"
■ ... enduring all the pain and being blind of the truth to learn the lesson we refuse to take the easiest way.
■ ... when he's the first ever thought the moment you wake up in the morning.
■ ... when you perfectly know that you're staring at somebody else's face but still seeing his.
■ ... when a glimpse of his face makes you catch a breath and your heart skip a beat.
■ ... when not seeing him makes you less alive.
■ ... wondering not who's he with, but rather, what's he thinking.
■ ... when you keep convincing yourself that he's still free to choose you even if you already saw him with someone else.
■ ... when you can't wait to have that slow dance with him.
■ ... when you tilted your head towards a direction and see a person singing the same song you're singing.

Okay ba? HAHA. Hai. My thoughts talaga. :]

//45 THINGS A GIRL LVOE.

2007-10-14T09:36:00.000+08:00

1. touch her waist.
2. talk to her.
3. share secrets.
4. give her your jacket.
5. kiss her slowly.
6. hug her.
7. hold her.
8. laugh with her.
9. invite her somewhere.
10. let her be with you when you're with your friends.
11. smile with her.
12. take pics with her.
13. pull her onto your lap.
14. when she says she loves you more, deny it. fight back.
15. when her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she cant get to her friends. it makes her feel loved.
16. always hug her and say i love you when you see her.
17. kiss her unexpectedly.
18. hug her from behind around the waist.
19. tell her she's beautiful not sexy!
20. tell her the way you feel about her!
21. kiss her on the lips 22. DON'T ask her to buy you stuff. you buy her stuff 23.TELL HER WHAT FEELS GOOD
24. make her feel loved
25. buy her small things that can help make her feel special.
26. DON'T LIE TO HER.
27. DON'T CHEAT ON HER.
28. take her anywhere she wants.
29. text messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her.
30. be there for her whenever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can always count on you.
31. Hold her close when she's cold and she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the tip of her nose.
34. While in the movie, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put
her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Dont ever tell her to leave evenjokingly or act like you're mad. If she's upset, comfort her.
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible.
41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Dedicate a song to her.
45. Always remind her how much you love her.

AWW. :"> Agree, girls?

** I bolded the numbers I can relate to. :]

// ROLLER COASTER.

2007-10-12T10:01:00.000+08:00

KWENTO 1:

Haii naku. Nawala ang ID ko.
Kasi, ganito yan. :]

Tuesday morning, 7:00 am yung call time ng practice namin for cheering. Na- late kasi ako ng gising, so past seven na ko nakarating ng school. Pero grabe, pagdating ko dun, wala pa yung mga leaders. Ohwell. Review for our 10:30 class muna, then bonding with the twins and Bia. Tas, kwento si Via bout soulmate pagdating niya. Then we pa- xerox handouts. Pagdating namin, they're already starting practicing, so we rushed, without changing clothes. Eh later parts, we're required to lie down the floor, tas ang init. Nakatakong kami tas long sleeves!

So She and I decided to change clothes na talaga. We just changed so quick, we ran to the high school powder room. Tas practice na.

After the morning practice, after lunch naman. Nauna nakami ni Carla sa gym, then we practiced again. Hindi na kasi kami nagpalit ng clothes para tuloy tuloy na.

We extended a little, others nag- shower na. Tas nung kinuha ko yung uniform ko sa bag, saka ko lang na- realize na naiwanan ko nga yung necktie and id ko sa powder room ng high school. Okay, I said. Nung una, kalmado lang talaga ako, since Crysel offered na she'll wait for me while I look for it. And then I went back to the powder room and looked for it. TAE, wala na. Of course! 8 pa ko nagpalit dun, eh half past 1 na ko bumalik. Then I asked one high school na andun kung may nakita siyang necktie and ID dun. Then wala daw. Then I asked the janitors kung may nakita sila. Wala rin daw. Yung isang janitress was too kind to accompany sa Homeroom office, Principal then sa HS faculty. Walang nagbalik. I even asked the teach in the Homeroom kung ibinabalik ba yung mga ganun eh, and she was kind of offended pa ata, and retorted, "Anu naman ang gagawin nila dun?!"

Okay. I can't find it. It's lost. I'm shaking all over because of tiredness and worry. Tas, wala pa kong cuff links, kaya gusgusin talaga yung dating ko. Tas, when I was walking across the corridor of the high school classrooms, I felt über embarrassed. You know that feeling? College na ko, nawawalan pa ko ng ganun. And the look on their faces--- their smiles, parang pinagti- tripan ako. TAE nila talaga, sa isip isip ko.

Nandun din yung LRT card kong kakabili ko lang. 100P yun. Yung sheet ko sa KC, yung username and password ko, nakasingit din sa ID holder ko. TAE talaga.

When I get back the gym, I was shaking talaga. Hindi lang naman yun yung problema ko eh. Dala ko pa rin kasi yung problem ko from last week. Hindi pa kasi solved yun. I'm trying to really be happy, pero I'm just too burnout. Then I cried to Carla na. Inis kaya. One basketball player, Miranda (na we so much admire) was staring at me, nagulat siguro. Ewan ba.

I felt so bad that time. TAE pala yung mga high school eh. Akala ko ba binabalik? Asan na?!

Yung necktie? May extra ko. LRT card, fine, bibili na lang ako, kahit über sayang. KC sheet? May copy pa ko nun. Pero tae, yung ID ko. Sinakto pa sa signing of clearance. Sana lang talaga wag pagtripan.

I went to OSA to report it. Wala pa ring nagbalik dun. I then signed for a temporary ID. And thy're giving me only a week to replace my ID.

Naku, pagbalik ko sa bahay naman, pinagalitan ako ni Mama. Expected naman eh, pero syempre masakit. Kasi hindi naman kagandahan yung sinabi niya sakin. Again, I felt na wala akong kakampi. Problema na nga sa school eh, tas dito pa. Tsaka di ko naman sinasadya diba? Gusto ko bang mawala yung ID ko? Boohoo! :'[

Sabi sakin ng OSA, 200P yung replacement. Okay, binigyan ako ni mama. Tae, pagdating ko sa IMC, 450 daw?! Sabi ko, "San ako kukuha nun?!". Di ko pa nga nasasabi kay mama eh. Echos.

KWENTO 2:

Tuesday din: Morning, on my way to plaza, someone "ahem!" behind me. I didn't looked back kasi I'm hurrying eh, tska malay ko ba, baka hindi ako yung pine- pertain nun, diba? Pero nung asa stairs na ko ng plaza, tsaka ko lang nakita--- si Eggnog pala yun! As in, siya! Whaaaaaat. TAE.

I was supposed to call him and greet him, kaya lang I was too shy! Tsaka, tae, may mga babae dun eh. Anu na lang ang sasabihin nung mga yun. First oportunity ni Papa God yan.

Second, magkasama kami ni Bia papuntang OSA. He went out of a classroom, then nung lumingon na siya, tumawag naman si Mae ng "Bianca!". And since pareho kaming Bianca, lumingon kami pareho. Ayun. I was about to call him again, pero yun, tae, hinayaan ko na lang siyang pumasok sa room. Pangalawang opportunity ni Papa God.

After class, naunang bumababa sina Dianah and Via, tas pagsunod namin, they were shouting like mad and saying, "Si Eggnog, eggnog!". I rushed to the gym, kasama si Paks, and then yun. He looked at me twice. Then I said, "Hey!" and waved. Then he smiled and said "Hi".

TAE. HEAVEN. Muntik na kong mauntog. HAHA. :]]

Wednesday: Lib, hindi naman kami nagbatian, pero we looked at each other. Napansin ko lang ha, hindi siya nambabati, pero he's always waiting for me to greet him. Eh nun, he was with a girl, his blockmate, so I just smiled at him. Pero hindi naman siya nag- smile back. He just stared. Adik. :]

KWENTO 3:

Thursday: Even if nakita ko siya with that echos girl papuntang Gateway, I'm still a- ok. Medyo my thugs and I are going back to the hyper- Luntian level eh. Kaya lang siguro kami idle dahil sa sobrang daming kelangang gawin sa school, and we all are too confused. :]

Yea. My week. I'm tired from cheering practices. Pero It's worthwhile kasi kahit crammed, it's so FUN at naka 95 kami. Astig yung pyramids and all. Pasado na kami ng PE! Ohyea!

Then dahil sa work- outs na yun, tuloy tuloy na. I'm officially on diet now. HAHA. :]

I really can't say that I'm genuinely happy. I still worry lotsa stuffs. Though my clearance is settled na, lotsa issues are not yet at end. Pero, I'll carry on. I swear. :]

PS. To Gabby, thank you for always and forever wishing for me to feel better. :]]

//OUCH.

2007-10-07T18:25:00.000+08:00

Ohyea. It's good to be hurt. Talking about me being Ms. Brightside. :]

Wednesday: Paks saw Eggnog sa second floor. It was minutes before our Bio class. And since wala pa yung prof namin at bukas yung elevator, kahit kakababa ko lang, I agreed to go down para makita siya. And since we've talked and he knows me na, I could greet him harmlessly na, right? So yun.

Then we're on the second floor. Tapos na yung klase niya: no one's in the room na. Then while Paks and I were talking, we saw him outside the room, chatting with friends. The usual rushing of heartbeat and smiling face. He heard my voice ata, then he looked at us. Tapos, I looked at him too. I failed to greet him. Tas nakita namin yung prof namin, I make paalam na may bibilhin kami galore, and he was inches away from me lang, and he was staring at me, but then not one of us dared to greet another. We went and went back, he's til there, and he stared at me, waiting for me to greet him, but when I finally smiled, he looked away na.

Boohoo! TAE!

We went back sa classroom, and I was so hysterical, "Ayoko ko na sa kanya, ayaw, ayaw ayaw!!!!" I said in verge of tears. Then I rushed to the powder room. And yun, bonding uli kami ng cubicle. TAE.

You know that feeling? I am so dying to to see him, tas nung nakita ko pa siya, ganun yung nangyari. SHET. Then:

me (sms) : di ka na namamansin. :[
him (sms) : sorry d ata kta napancn
me (sms) : sure ka?
him (sms) : san kna?
me (sms) : bakit?

Then he didn't replied again.

Then I don't know anymore.

Then I am unhappy.

Then problems came. Larger than life. It is just about the guy. It isn't just about silly things.

//QUICKIE.

2007-10-03T22:29:00.000+08:00

I feel so bad.
So bad I'm so hurt.
School, friends, clique, Eggnog, then past issue.
AM I A BAD GIRL?
I wanna cry big time. :'[

bright side: At least the fall back of the fantastic things that happened to me last week isn't on my family. I'd rather have all the hurt. And at least it isn't on grades. :]

I'm gonna smile soon. Just lemme be quiet for a while.

//MAGIC!

2007-10-01T12:54:00.000+08:00

Match, match, match! Go 09! Haha! Ohyea! :]

//SINGING VS. SPORTS (VBALL).

2007-09-29T21:18:00.000+08:00

I started singing when I was three. Way back, it was just a hobby. My tita would make me sing for her whenever she arrives home from abroad. I never joined contests, I never sang at school. It wasn't a big deal.

First ever exposure: 6th Grade Family Day. Small play. I sang a small part in Freddie Aguilar's "Anak". The day after, people are so awed. Ang galing ko daw.

And that's the start of my singing career.

I joined the school choir when I was in second year high school, and stayed until third year. I won third place in an institutional contest, the choir won second place in an inter- school competition--- everybody looked up to me because I was a great singer (modesty aside). A classmate even invited me to be the vocalist for his band, but I turned it down.

And at that time, I discovered that I wanted to be a Broadway performer, next famous to Lea Salonga. I can do it naman ee. Super wala lang talagang drive. I don't want to be all serious, mix chemicals, memorize scientific names and all; I hate a classroom based learning. I want real learning.

Eh before summer 3rd year, Chiqui's uncle Sir Andy (coach of the vball varsity) invited me to join the varsity team. And I joined.

I surpassed 2 months of every day training, I lose weight, I improved a lot on the game that I just then realize that I really love. I left the comfort zone, so I must do better than the rest--- that's my drive.

Buhay varsity: Super bilis. Dahil na rin siguro pressure on College Entrance Exams. Masaya, fast- paced, roller coaster. There are glitches, but we sticked as a team. Leagues here and there, I almost fail in academics but I managed, I was secured with a university--- I enjoyed a lot in that life.

After graduation, I promised myself that I would never join the varsity in college (though most of us would) or the choir kasi I would like to focus on my studies better. My course has a cut- off grade kasi, kaya mahirap yung may affiliates.

Sa huli, kinain ko rin yung sinabi ko. Sumali ako ng Chorale. It's my comfort zone, and I thought I would enjoy it. Kaya lang... hindi.

I want to join the varsity talaga. And the theatre. That's the plan A before. Tas biglang nabago. Ewan.

They say, once you're an athlete, you're always an athlete. Iba kasi yung feeling na you know how to play that game, pero you just sit there and watch--- and never play it. Nakakapanghinayang lang talaga. I want to play so badly.

But then, I don't want to give up my dream of being a Broadway performer. I can't imagine myself being an athlete for life. I want to travel, be famous and happy. Mas malayo ang mararating ng performer.

Verdict: It's so very simple and obvious; athlete for now, performer for tomorrow.ü

//HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK: EGGNOG.

2007-09-29T20:10:00.000+08:00

After sportsfest, dagsaan ang nagka- crush sa kanya. Kahit sino atang tanungin kong babae, may gusto sa kanya eh. Super tae.

Selfish, yea. I'm aware that I'm selfish. I just have that thing na pag ako may crush, gusto ko ako lang. Pag marami ng nagka- crush dun sa crush na yun, yoko na. Pangeett naman kasi ee; gusto ko ako lang yung kikiligin. Haha! Basta ganun. Eh sakto pa, yung mga may gusto sa kanya sa block namin, chums ko.

Para sakin kasi, I have the right of way. Bago pa kasi yung limelight ng Basketball and dancing, crush ko na siya. Eh sila nabilib lang talaga ng talents.

So anyway, I promised myself that I would make it happen no matter what. Kaya I gave myself a year palugit to make it all happen. Ngayon, medyo inisud ng mas malapit ni Papa God. I thought of the interview we'll be making in Filipino. And I thought we could try to interview him, since ka- org niya yung blockmate ko, blah- blah.

Fast forward: Friday. Gianne gave me his num, tas kami raw yung mag- usap. Okay. :D He's not snob, kasi kahit di pa niya ko kilala, kinaka- usap niya ako. I'M AT NEAR DEATH!

Interview proper: He has a GF. :'[ Pero, carry on. Nung ininterview namin siya, wala na yung babae. Tas grabe, ang kulit niya. Tense na tense ako pero siya natural lang. Tas titigan mode, happy hour. Ang gulo nung interview. Pero it made me giddy kasi at last--- I met him. We talked. We laughed. I was able to stare at him ng malapitan. Ohyea. :]

"Kung ang taong gusto mo ay mayroon ng iba, tandaan lang ang: "CONTINENTAL DRIFT THEORY". Kung ang pulo nga naghihiwalay, sila pa kaya?

:p May pag- asa pa tayo Paks."

- Paks.ü

//HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK.

2007-09-23T09:09:00.000+08:00

SPORTFEST, BABY! :]]

FUN, FUN! Magulo na maingay na nakakapagod, but it's all worthwhile. I cheered so hard for Eggnog (I know his name na!). Haii, basketball. Best game. Making men gwapo kahit hindi. Dati ako lang ang sumisilay kay Eggnog, ngayon sandamakmak na. No worries, though! I'll make him mine. HAHA. :]

CFS (College Freshmen Society) wasn't too bad. We won 1st runner up on Men's Basketball and got so many awards on Swimming. And we gave our best shot on the cheer. At kahit hindi kami panalo, panalo pa rin in some way dahil champs ang BSN. Astiiig.

Next year talaga, magiging active na ang Luntians sa Sportsfest. I'll join volley with Yanah, Mae either cheering or badminton, Carla cheering. Via don't have plans yet, as well as Bia and Herlz.

CFS GO FIGHT!

HANNAH'S BIRTHDAY.

I was able to buy her the necklace she wanted from The Bead Shop. And since Monthly Test niya at school day yung birthday niya, we'll celebrate it today. Party! Ohyea. :]

UBENG'S BIRTHDAY.

HUUGGEE success. Yanah and I weren't suppose to be there. Pero Ube was so great to tag us along. Tokyo Tokyo, bonding moments, SM North, Alem and Karl + Ubeng's Birthday = super lvoe!

Ubeng even gave me her retro inspired bangle. Thank you!

Pics? It's here on my multiply.

MAC ARTHUR.

Yes, it is spelled that way. Latest Bob Ong book. Grabe, astig. I highly recommend! I'm not gonna give spoilers, not even one. It's only a hundred pesos, and a great steal.

Okay, I'm gonna give you a quote from there. :]

"Dalawang dekada ka lang mag- aaral. Kung di mo pagtitiyagaan, limang dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit. Kung alam lang yan ng kabataan, walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela." - Mang Justo, Mac Arthur.

Next week events:

* Outreach (September 24) - Lahat ng 1st year BSN! And that only mean one thing--- makikita ko pa si Eggnog. Too bad B yung kasama namin sa Mandalu, and yung block nila yung mahihiwalay.

I'm kind of scared kasi wala akong partner! But I wasn't the only one. Mabuti kapitbahay ko sina Maemae. She said she chose the brave ones out of the chickens at pinag- isa, so I'm proud na rin. And I'm still deciding if I'll bring my phone or not. I wanna take pictures kasi eh.

* Super cramming!! (September 25 - 29) - No one's complaining, and it's expected kasi isang linggo kaming walang klase. Malamang araw araw may MA.

Isang linggo nanaman kaming papasok. Hindi ko pa nga nababawi yung puyat ko from last week eh. haha. :] No worries--- higher chances of making silay to Eggnog.

//HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK: PEP PRACTICES.

2007-09-16T09:13:00.000+08:00

Grabe, sobrang kapagod yung sunod- sunod na pep practice. Next week na yung sportsfest, pero nagkakalat parin kaming mga freshmen. In some way, I think that's the way it is--- kawawa talaga and freshmen. Syempre, freshmen. Babies. Lower batch. Can't prove something pa.

Pero If I would be asked to lead my fellow freshmen, I'd only do one thing: boost their confidence. That's all we need to defeat the other orgs. Di lang naman kasi ako yung nag- iisip ng stereotype na yun tungkol sa freshmen, diba? If we think that we can make a difference, we can and we will.

Pero imbis na suporta yung makuha namin, naku, puro sigaw ang abot namin. Ewan ko ba kung ganun talaga pag pinuno, madaling mag- init ang ulo. OK, understood: pep rally is one week ahead na lang, at malabong magpractice pa kami sa sportsfest week. But hello?! It wouldn't make any difference if we remain tensed and paranoid! If I were them, I'd relax, maintain a happy face, boost the confidence of my fellow freshmen, and fight! Kasi dinadaan nila sa init ng ulo eh, yung ibang block tuloy nagpapa- pansin.

At dahil wala naman akong posisyon sa org, yung block ko na lang yung sinasabihan ko ng, "Let's go fight guys! galingan natin!". Hindi lang dahil sakin, dahil rin sa class rep namin at syempre dahil rin sa bawat isa--- kami yung pinakamatinong block dun. Siguro dahil sa " block A" kami, kahit wala naman talagang ibig sabihin yun.

Tapos kahapon, naibigay ko na sa wakas yung regalo ko kay Mylang. And she loved it! Am so proud. I also bought Hairspray dvd (oops, another bootleg. ack! anti- terrorism law! >.<). Kaso di umabot yung pera ko para sa regalo ni Kulot (Hanah). Instead, we went to Mcdo and ate. Mcflurry's the best! Sportsfest week, ichi- cheer ko talaga ng hard core si crush. Kasali pala siya sa basketball team?! My gulay, I almost died when I saw him holding that ball. Ewan ko ba, talagang matindi lang ang tama ng mga lalaking varsity ng basketball sakin. I love it!

***

To Lara's friends, I'm not asking you to apologize. I just felt really low when you guys condemned me. I DID NOT COPY ANYTHING FROM LARA'S SITE. Kung may nakita kayong pagkakapareho, I swear it's just a coincidence. Ideas? I told her I kind of imitated some before this issue happened.

It's a damage. A trauma. I didn't expect it. And I want to say SORRY if I ever hurt you or Lara.

//A DADDY'S DREAM.

2007-09-16T09:08:00.000+08:00

Gusto ko pang maisayaw ang anak ko sa 18th birthday niya kesa yung tatanawin ko
na lang siya mula sa wheelchair!
- Edu Manzano

Here's a fact: I find debuts über corny. Hindi talaga ako die hard fan ng mga ganyan. Though it's fancy and fun- looking, ayaw pa ren. Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko lang talaga feel. In fact, just this summer, I suggested to mama that instead of having a debut, she and my tita (who supports our studies) give me a ticket to London. Ako lang mag- isa ang mag-iikot dun sa loob ng tatlo hanggang limang araw. Matagal ko na talagang pangarap yung ganun. Tapos maga- audition na rin ako sa Miss Saigon para sulit. Haha!

Sadly though, it's like shooting for the moon. Mama said that it's hard to get a tourist visa in London--- and in any part of Europe. Mama burst my excitement bubble on the idea. Tsk.

Ngayong pasko, labing pitong taong gulang na ko, isang taon mula sa pinakainaasam na taon ng mga kikay na babae. Pero wala pa rin akong plano. Haii naku, ayoko talaga! Pero dahil sa sinabi ni Mr. Edu, nagdadalawang isip tuloy ako. At napagtanto ko na pangarap pala talaga ng isang ama ang maisayaw ang kanyang anak sa taong naghuhudyat ng kanyang pagdadalaga.

Sa tingin ko, fulfillment para sa isang tatay na makita ang anak niyang naka- gown. "Dalaga na ang anak ko!" means that they've raised us all well (pertaining to girls, no sexism intended); nagalusan man, umiyak man dahil nadapa o dahil sa puppy love, humaba- umiksi ang buhok, nagka- pimples--- andiyan siya, sa harap niya, napakaganda at babaeng- babae na. May napala rin pala siya sa labing walong taong pag- aaruga at pagpapalaki sa anak niya. Nahirapan man siya, nakita naman niyang pulido ang pagkakahulma.

Bukod sa fulfillment, pagkain rin para sa ego ng isang tatay yun. Ang maisayaw ng isang tatay ang kanyang anak sa kanyang debut eh nagpapatunay din na ang tatay niya ang pinaka- importanteng lalaki sa buhay niya.

Importante nga bang mag- debut? Noon, sagradong tradition talaga siya. Ngayon, pwedeng hindi, pwedeng oo. And how about me? I still don't know. Maybe I'll make my tatay's one dream come true, or make it happen in some other way. :]

//PHILOSOPHY.

2007-09-08T17:29:00.000+08:00

Hannah: sino kayang nanay at tatay ni God? Alanganamang bigla na lang siyang sumulpot basta basta. Parang pag dating mo sa bahay, may umiiyak nang bata na hindi mo naman kung saan galing.

My nine year old cousin asked me that question; and made me wonder, too!

According to my philosphy professor, kids are the greatest philosophers. Dahil nga bata sila, they have this thing na magtanong ng kung anu- ano about the world like, "bakit bilog ang buwan?", "asan si Papa Jesus?", "Bakit hindi na lang araw pag gabi?". As we grow older kasi, we get so full of ourselves and never ask questions like this. Feeling natin, since we experienced so many things in life na, we know everything. We can explain why sun is the center of the solar system. We know that there's 365 and a quarter of days a year. But why?

Philosophy etymologically came from two greek words, "philo" and "sofia" meaning "love for wisdom". It doesn't revolve around explaining what life is, blah blah. I found people so mayabang when they claim they're born philosophers when they haven't encountered it yet. It's not explaining how life is, or what life is. It's not about thinking way ahead of your age. It isn't about knowing everything about life or being able to explain every fcuking thing in this world. Philosophy isn't about being able to answer the questions because only answers could be wrong. It is about being able to produce questions, and answering them yourself.

IMPONDERABLES.

I'd like to share to you some of my imponderables.

What if Jesus wasn't the promised Messiah?
What if God wasn't really the creator of everything?
What if Superman wasn't super?
What if shampoo wasn't really for hair?

Apat lang yan of my zillion questions, and these protrude during our Philo class. Wala lang, I just wondered. Haha. Don't get me wrong about the religion- related questions though.ü

Kung alam niyo yung sagot, pa- share ha. Haha! :]

//SO- NOT- BUSY WEEK.

2007-09-06T21:23:00.000+08:00

Halos wala na kami talagang ginagawa sa school. After a day na puro MAs (Modular Assessments), sobrang wala ng activities na sumunod! Nakaka- tense nga eh, kasi sanay na kong taranta lagi sa mga kelangang gawin. Boooorrrriiinnngggg talaga. Parang sana one week na lang walang pasok. Haha!

über boring, except for the laughtrips. Anytime anywhere, batuhan lang ng punchlines. Here are Yanah's and mine:

Bia (me): (seeing a bunch of guys) Oh my, bakit kaya pinaliliguan ako ng Diyos ng mga lalaki?
Dianah: Haha!!

during Psych, kakaakyat pa lang namin. :]

Dianah: (multi- tasking: punas all over while fanning) Anu ba yan, naglalabasan na lahat ng mga baby oils sa katawan ko!
Bia (me): Haha! Baby oil talaga?!

Wed.

PE: Strained from gymnastics! super struggle ako sa turk stand. I can't do it kasi nagka- pilay nga ako on my left ankle. I have minus one on practical, instead of a perfect. Pero okay din.

One hour break, inubos na lang namin sa pagmumuni. Haha!

Paulthenics: Haii... sorry ha, pero bwisit na adviser! Hindi kami sinabihan na may BEC, tapos kasi pa yung sinisi niya. Of all! Our class rep (Maemae) suggested na if we want that effing adviser out, we should have a sort of signing campaign. If ever magkaron nga, hai naku, ako unang- una sa listahan!

Anyway, what happened in Paulthenics, wla ring BEC because the gym was occupied by the seniors for a forum churva. So free time again. We ate and went to KC (Knowledge Center). Nagpatay ng oras sa pagsu- surf and play games.ü

Biological Science: FUN! The class was very interactive. We talked about plants, tapos super hyper nanaman ako. Via was laughing all period.ü

We went home after Bio, since wala si Sir Logic. Ayun, first time naming makauwi ng maaga.

Thursday:

Theology: Super hyper ME again. I kept calling Al (ala Damulag classmate, whoops! :]) "babes", while Via calls him "honeybunch". I kept on talking non-stop before the start of the discussion. I told prof pa na I haven't forgotten my bible, kaya he can check na. Haha!

After my hyperness, syempre kaubos ng energy, I felt sleepy agad. I almost slept on class pero I was active on discussion ha. Plus I was perfect on the 6th MA! Yipee!~

Lunch break, pinaliguan nanaman ako ng mga lalaki. The varsity guys! FYI lang: I am a big fan of varsities talaga. Yung mga varsity ng basketball boys? Die hard ako! Matangkad, semi- kal tapos saksakan ng bango kahit pawis all over... Oh my gulay! Haha! Iba kasi talaga yung aura ng basketball varsity. Cool. :]

Tapos, nalaman namin wala si Sir Watchon (Eng), so break nanaman after Psych! Yanah and I decided not to attend Algeb na, pati pala si Bia B. at umuwi na. Kesa mag- stay pa for an hour and half then lesson. :]

Psych: Senti mode sila, pero hyper pa din kami ng Luntians. Punchlines are love! Haha! Pero we were all quiet when Miss Anne shared her "heartbreak" and she almost cried! Pero, saya pa rin. Bonded ang I- A BSN.

Tapos Bia B. told us na wala si Sir Algeb, so wala ng klase after psych. Grabe, 2 subjects lang ang inattendan namin. Pati tomorrow ganun din!

Kahit 3 ang dismissal, 4 kami nakalabas ng campus. Food trip sa 3rd street, tapos we went to RP kasi nagpasama si Yanah na bumili ng gift for BF. Libre ni Via and Alem on Mcdo. McFlurry, McFloat and fries are super love!!

Saya pa rin kahit ka- tamad. Super bonding moments, foodtrip, laughtrip and all! Tapos may bagong crush na kong magpapaganda sakin everyday! He's on section C, BSN din. Haha! :]

//I LVOE MY TATAY.

2007-09-02T17:55:00.000+08:00

One of the memorable days of my life was when Tatay
piggybacked me from my tita's house to ours. That was his last Christmas with us before he went to Saudi Arabia.

I was in 4th grade when Tatay decided to work abroad for larger income. Kahit tita ko yung nagpapaaral samin, hindi na kaya ng sweldo ni Tatay yung daily expenses, bills and all. Kaya yun.

It was hard to swallow the thought. I'm tatay's girl kasi eh. I practically depended on him all my life. He's very malambing and kulit. He would mockingly reprimand Kuya if he teases me. He would remind us every night to pray.

He goes home once every three years lang. Sayang daw yung pamasahe. So to make up for missed days, he calls every Sunday. And kanina, napag- usapan namin yung about Kuya and I graduating. We're so near going "out there" sabi nga nila. Pag balik ni Tatay, may trabaho na si Kuya, and I'd be in my 3rd or 4th year in college na. That thought thrills me talaga. And halata sa boses ni Tatay yung relief at tuwa na makakatapos na kaming mga anak niya.

I'll make sure na Tatay and the rest of my family will be darn proud of me. I'll be a good girl talaga. And while many teenagers go take their dads for granted, I continue to love mine--- accept him as he is, all his flaws and quirks, and respect him because he's been a very good father.

He's half my life; the other my mom. I'm willing to die for him. I'll willing to die for my family. Because they gave me the chance to live. They overflowed me with love. And what love it is that I'm giving them now, I'll make sure I'll give them more for the rest of our lives.

//REVISIONS ON: CONFESSIONS (POST)

2007-08-30T08:28:00.001+08:00

the 8 facts about BIANCA.
you share 8 things that your readers don't know about you. then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going. each blogger must post these rules first.

RULES:

* each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

* bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

* at the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

* don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

A good friend of mine, Rai, tagged me after answering this sort-of-quiz. Mukhang fun. Haha :] Super glad to answer this.ü

Here it is:

My most priced possession was a tape recorded back in August 1994 of me and kuya singing, reciting a poem, acting like a miss universe contestant and all. It was so memorable.ü
Maroon 5's "Songs about Jane" was my most favorite album. EVER.
I hate drinking tea and plain hot water. It makes me feel like I'm gonna throw up.
I cut my bangs nung second year without mama knowing it.ü And since then, I can't live without my bangs.
I feel like sneezing whenever I eat any menthol candy.
I want so badly to have a unique nickname. Friends often call me plain "Bianca" kasi. so yun. boring. haha! :]
I had and imaginary friend when I was thirteen.
I hate studying. I love learning, but I hate formal discussions. It so booorrriiiinngg for me. My only motivation is my dream, na über not related to my major.ü

So that's it. All these things.. I'm darn proud of it! :]

tagged: Dianah, Mae, Herlz, Borgy, Mylang, Krizza, Karl, Lara

//SUGAR, SPICE AND EVERYTHING NICE.

2007-08-27T19:43:00.000+08:00

Bonding moments with Thena = FUN and LVOE. :]

Actually, nung una, medyo awkward pa kasi it's been a looooonnnnggg while since we last went out. Pero eventually topics flowed, we laughed, ate, walked around Galle... it's really giddy. It's über brief--- pero like tea cups, we were so full of new things and bonded!

//WHAT A DAY.

2007-08-25T16:45:00.000+08:00

This day is somewhat shit. Like a volcano I erupted. Kaya ayokong nagagalit eh. Unwillingly, I gave people the silent treatment. I am very destructive whenever I am angry, kaya instead of shouting like mad and hitting every single thing I see, I just shut up, walk out and never talk to anybody until I calmed down.

And today really pisses me off. I kept anger or inis as long as I can take it. Friends often confused me with being too mababaw, kasi nga, pag puno na ko, one small issue na I would be pikon, I would burst na. But I'm not really mababaw when it comes to getting angry.

I don't want to be angry in front of LUNTIANS. Yes, it's pride. But it's care at the same time. I know all of us wants everybody happy. Tska, I don't really want anybody asking, "Ano bang problema?", "Huy, OK ka lang ba?", "Alam mo kasi... blah- blah". Feeling ko kasi napaka- weak ko para di maayos ang problema ko. Weak pag tinatanong ako ng ganun. And I don't want advices; alam ko naman yung problema eh. Alam ko naman kung pano bigyang solusyon. I don't need anybody's fcuking's advice. Pero, if I really need it, I'm willing to listen naman eh.

That's how I am. I don't want to change for somebody to be happy. I wouldn't do that again. I would NEVER.

Okay, after that release, happy thoughts na. :]

The History Boys: From London To New York.

"The History Boys" trailer is love! How much more the whole movie? Haha! Ate Lei's gonna let me watch it when she go back home next week. So excited!

MIDTERMS.

Damn, I passed! Haha! Well, most of it. I still haven't heard Psych, PE, Paulinian Milieu and Algeb. Here's my grades (ahem, the damn cut- off):

English - 85. 83
Theology - 87. 03
Biology - 82.60 (but it'll reach the cut- off kasi we'll make a recovery na eh! :])
Logic - 83.00 (grabe, kahit flat yan, I still passed! and we're only 10 in the class that passed. No pun intended! :])
Filipino - 81.81 (too bad, no? Logic naipasa ko, eto hindi.)

Those are happy thoughts. :]

//PIGGING OUT.

2007-08-24T09:51:00.000+08:00

We met yesterday.

I was all idle and depressed and giddy at the same time.

I try to make him laugh, but I can't huli his sense of humor.

Ka- turn off. He makes me feel like I'm the corniest person in the world.

But oh well, what's done is done. Sabi nga ni Dianah, "Madami pang ~~****~~ sa mundo!" And I fully agree! :]

***

Haha! I'm staying here in front of the PC while my dishes are still undone in the sink, and my bed's still not ayos. Balahura no?! But mama did not reprimand me. I'll fix all that later naman eh.ü

That's what you call pigging out. It's not just about indulging on too much food, but also indulging on the things you love doing without a care on the world. Tama? Haha. Of course!

Tama. Madami pa naman diyang iba. He wasn't my type in the first place. Super carried away lang talaga ako.

Tama. I have my friends. They love me better than he could.ü

Tama. I'm not the kind of friend that would choose the boy instead of friends. And I wouldn't make agaw if he was for another friend naman talaga, and not for me.

Tama. I need not to wear flats to make abot on his height. I need not to stay up til the wee hours of morning just to chat with him. I need not to waste my mind thinking about him over and over. I was never happy when I think about him naman eh.

Tama. I need not to stop my world just to catch up with him.

and the last TAMA. "I'm way too cool for you boy, that's why it'll never work!" :]

***

I'll continue my pigging out. I'll laugh all day, be über hyper and fun. And if we ever share another ride together, I'll make it a point to make it clear to him that I don't like him anymore. Ayaw ko kasi sa lahat yung ginagasgasan ang ego ko eh. Aru! :]

I'd still like to be his friend. Sana nga we still can be.ü

//I'LL SHARE ABOUT THIS GUY AND OTHER CLICHES.

2007-08-22T19:47:00.000+08:00

That's my most gasgas move to cracking the brain of the guy I like. I pretend to talk about another guy, blurt out all my problems sa kanya then he'll give advice. If he's too dumb, he won't notice. If he knows how to read between the lines, then yea, end of whatever nice relationship we have; climbing to the next level or crash down.

I don't know why it always work. I don't get it why they don't get it. Do they really know it but just try to brush off the feeling of me feeling something for them? Or guys really are just dumb?

***

I still can't get over the fact that he liked her better than me! Okay, egoistic talaga ko; but never inggitin. My self- esteem is crashing down kasi everytime something like this happen. I'm so full of myself--- like, why would he like her when I'm wittier? when I can make him laugh? when I can do boy stuffs?

Karl's opinion:

Just see it in this manner: you have the attitude but not her and that is an advantage. Hmmm, she may have the face value but the question is.. does she have the humor to get along with the flow... But not be too vulgar.. Just be the natural you that i love, that luntians love, that everyone love...

Waa... I wanna cry na!! :(( Cry not because I'm sad, but touched! :]

I'll have til friday to decide if I should continue this crap of should I stop. Karl moreover said that it's just a "fondness", and not love actually. I was thinking the same. I was hovering between borders of being too desperate to have a boyfriend or being too lonely.

Can't wait to have that frap!ü

//WHEN L♥VE HURTS.

2007-08-21T22:53:00.000+08:00

August 21, 2007

11:15 am

It hurts talaga! Nagpapakatanga ba ko? I even volunteered to help her get close to him. Ano ba yun. Haii nako.

But I don't really have the right to get hurt. He was hers simula't sapul eh. :[

Yak. It pains me whenever I look at her! Self- pity mode. Bakit nga kaya hindi ako yung napansin? Okay, she's beautiful naman talaga. Pero, ako?! hindi talaga?

***

Psych Class

thoughtful stuff of the day: fox crystal lemon flavor and hershey's bar with almonds.
question of the day: WHY DO LOVE HURTS? :[

Damn, I'm taking my martyrdom to the next level! I even suggested a date! KAMUSTA KA NAMAN NUN BIANCA. Buti I tagged JC along. BUT STILL... I don't know,

Shit! Why do I fall so fast kasi?!

Why I fell for him:

He's equally hyper as I am.
He's FUN to talk to.
He called me you-guys-don't-need-to-know-because-I'm-damn-obvious-na back! :] Giddy moments. *blush*
He thought I was really funny and friendly.

August 22, 2007

12:01 am

Panu ba to. Nakakainis naman siya. Ano bang gagawin ko?

I can't even tell my friends! He was for her.

But still I was too dumb and tactless and... all shitty irresponsible blah- blah to fall. INIS!

Why am I getting gaga over this guy who is so not my type? Am I so desperate?

Damn it, I need to think.

And how many times did I told myself that I need to think?

//üBER SHARING.

2007-08-20T07:03:00.000+08:00

We had some sort of slumber party (again) last night since Dek decided to sleep here. It wasn't as fun as it was before, though. First, I don't really feel comfortable talking about our topic (don't ask what it is ;]); second I was damn sleepy and I can't get out one person in my head (don't ask who it is [again]). We slept past two, which was, one of these days a bit normal for me. :]

The first parts were good pa rin; we mostly talked about our childhood. "Parang mga gurang na eh!" sabi ni Dek. Well, yea! Sort of. :]

Now it is past six in the morning, I edited Karl's page again and our DSL's still troubleshooting. Manong didn't call us yet. Hmp. Hannah and Allysa's behind me (I dunno if they're reading what I'm writing), and Dek's still sleeping on the other room. I haven't had my breakfast yet. What do I feel? Tipsy. I lack sleep.

***

Magkikita- kita na kami uli nina Mylang, Rai, JC, Latootz at Auron today! Hope it would be fun. Dami kong mga kwento sa kanila, like yung Luntians and all. At kelangan din nilang mag- share no! Haha! :]

Miss ko na sila talaga. Hindi ko na sila nakasama since last summer. Dami ng nangyari sa amin tapos we haven't shared yet.

So blessed to have these cliques. So blessed to live for another day. I should do something good--- what d'you think?ü

Good morning! Have a blessed day ahead.ü

//RANDOMNESS.

2007-08-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

I'm never a good talker on one on one conversations. I'm better at writing stuffs, and in chatting with groups. I'm totally hyper and crazy on that. :] I don't know with personal talks. It's so awkward when I can't think of any good topic.

Ewan ko kung ka- torpehan ba yun (eh hello, I'm a girl). Basta. Feeling ko tuloy ang boring ko pag ganun. Amf. :[

Siguro related din 'to sa "you can't please everybody" thing. Siguro hindi mo naman talaga makukuha ang kiliti ng isang tao. Or maybe, you won't get it overnight. Just like histories.

Nu ba yan! Kung anu- ano ng pinagsasasabi ko! Antok na kasi ako eh. Super aning na talaga.

Basta, I'll still smile. No one can resist it anyway. Haha! :] Tsaka baka imagination ko lang yun. Pareho lang ata kami na wala sa mood mag- usap. Oh dahil kasi assuming ako. Haha! :]

Too much thinking! Yokong matulad kay Lucy sa 50 first dates! Baka makalimutan ko na lahat ng short term memory overnight. Waa...!! Yoko nun!

***

Sh*t tong DSL na to. Napuputol ang connection. Eh hello, DSL nga eh. It's supposed to work fast and nonstop, tapos may putol galore? Ewan ko ba. Oh baka antok lang talaga ko. :]

//CONFESSIONS.

2007-08-17T21:16:00.001+08:00

the 8 facts about BIANCA.
you share 8 things that your readers don't know about you. then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going. each blogger must post these rules first.

RULES:

* each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

* bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

* at the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

* don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

A good friend of mine, Rai, tagged me after answering this sort-of-quiz. Mukhang fun. Haha :] Super glad to answer this.ü

Here it is:

My most priced possession was a tape recorded back in August 1994 of me and kuya singing, reciting a poem, acting like a miss universe contestant and all. It was so memorable.ü
Maroon 5's "Songs about Jane" was my most favorite album. EVER.
Imagining things is my favorite hobby every night.ü
I cut my bangs nung second year without mama knowing it.ü And since then, I can't live without my bangs.
My friends (Krizza and Osang) and I went to Ateneo nung second year without mama knowing it (again).
I want so badly to have a unique nickname. Friends often call me plain "Bianca" kasi. so yun. boring. haha! :]
I'm on cloud nine right now. I easily fell for a new friend. If I enjoy the company, or he did something sweet, I'd fall agad. But at the same time, I easily fall out of love. Just one quirk turns me off. Haha! :]
I hate studying. I love learning, but I hate formal discussions. It so booorrriiiinngg for me. My only motivation is my dream, na über not related to my major.ü

So that's it. All these things.. I'm darn proud of it! :]

tagged: Dianah, Mae, Herlz, Borgy, Mylang, Krizza, Karl, Lara

//üBER SHARING.

2007-08-17T13:34:00.000+08:00

50 first dates is love! It's a combination of "aww...!" and "haha!". Antagal ko na talagang gusto tong panuorin, and thank God I did now!ü

Astig pa yung soundtracks. I posted it here on my multiply. Love it! über summer.

For those who haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend!

***

All in all, Retreat was boring, except for our adventures.ü Ninakaw pa namin yung isang piling ng saging from the dining hall nung walang tao, pero nahuli kami ni kuya manong tagahain. Pero, keri pa din! Love it!

Tapos super open sharing nung gabi.. from 9 pm to 3 am. FUN! Bonded na bonded talaga.

All students who brought their cell phones are supposed to surrender it on our company prof. Syempre, born pasaway, we didn't. Eh hello?! Mas masayang may pichuran on the boring moments, noh. Pictures are on my multiply.

***

Haii. Thank God it's friday! And thank God there's no classes.

Love the rainy season. Cool. Yea, senti mode!ü

//CONFESSIONS.

2007-08-16T19:25:00.000+08:00

Simpleng joyride yung pauwi from the Vigil House. Pagbaba nina Yanah and Via, nag- goodbye ang buong klase.

I know na pag ako ang bumaba, wala namang mag gu- goodbye. Okay, friends. Friends lang. Unlike with Yanah and Via.

Tapos, ganun nga yung nangyari.

Hindi naman ako naiinggit. NEVER akong nainggit. Pero pag ganun kasi, napapaisip ako: what the heck?! what the hell is wrong with me? am I intimidating? is it because I'm fat? is it because I try so hard to please everybody? blah blah...

I don't know what to do now. I could my feel self- esteem crashing down.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. Papa God loves me just the way I am. My family are there. My friends are there.

Pero iba pa rin if everybody accepts you because you are real. Iba pa din pag hindi lang friends mo yung nakaka- appreciate sayo. Iba pa din pag pati yung labas sa clique mo sees you the way your clique sees you.

I know, I know. I can't please everybody. I feel stereotyped. Damn society. When you're beautiful, you're easily accepted and loved by the group. If not, you'd be condemned and taken from granted.

***

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

I'm strong. I can sort this out.
I can make it through.
Papa God loves me kasi.
I can do this!

Mark (my block mate) said na I'm not doing anything wrong, so maybe it really is just paranoia.

mark: minsan ur pranoid sa mga bagay na di naman totoo
mark: kaya.. dont bother
mark: b happy with who you are..
mark: respect urself
mark: para makuha mo respeto ng ibang tao..

quoted from IM in YM.ü

I felt better. Haii.

I really did.ü Bilis no? Haha.

//RANDOMNESS.

2007-08-16T19:14:00.000+08:00

Grabe, I truly live in the past!

I found myself reminiscing on happy moments way back then, wishing to be stuck at that time forever because that's the only time I'm in cloud nine. I don't know what's happening with me; am I too sick of acting über happy when in reality I'm not anymore?

Sorry, but I'm just a human. I can't really forever play with my emotions. I hate the feeling that I'm hopeless and that my friends are worrying, but at the same time, I like to feel the latter.

And right now, I really am not feeling happy or all right. Damn it, I feel so depressed! I feel so bad. I feel so negative. I feel so bitter. :[

//MOVIE MARATHON.

2007-08-13T10:44:00.000+08:00

(Bootleg copy of Ratatouille. Shhh..ü)

Ratatouille was über fun last Saturday night. And now I'm totally addicted to Transformers!!

kuha while I was watching it. harhar! adik.ü

I love, love it! I especially love the scene where the autobots need to hide on Sam's house.. they were so hilarious! Haha!ü

Magaling talaga si Steven Spielberg. Taas noo ako sa kanya.ü

***

Yesterday I was suprised to see (when I checked my phone) that Wayne called. So naturally, I asked him.ü

bia (sms): bkt k 2mwg?
wayne (sms): la lng..maaus na problema mu?
bia (sms): okay na kht pa2ano. pa i2ghan co na lan. isapang try. wuy, slmat s concern. touchd aco.ü
wayne (sms): bkt b?nu b ngyari?mababa grades mu?
bia (sms): feeling co pa lan. eh dos ang dpat pnkmba2 namin eh. hai, pressure!
wayne (sms): wah,.mhrap un..dbale kaya m nman yan eh..pti kng mbaba grades m pde ka pa nman bmawe eh
bia (sms): oo, kya co to! ba2wi tlga co!ü slmat s pggng shock absorber co, wayne!ü nk2long ka.ü
wayne (sms): haha..d nman

Sometimes, guys really have that thing. Unpredictable! They can do the worst of worst or the sweetest of the sweetest. At na- touch talaga ako sa ginawa niya.ü

So I still have über many reasons to put down the knife, stand up and try even zillion times. I still have million reasons to smile, laugh and live life. I still have the chance to be strong.

This isn't the end yet. Papa God sure don't want me to end that way.ü

Coffee is love. Especially at times I'm on deep thinking. I stopped drinking during varsity days but now I'm back again! Super love.ü

//ADVENTURE.ü

2007-08-05T18:37:00.000+08:00

Question of the day: Ano kaya ang feeling ng isang baliw? At bakit sila nagsasalita ng mag- isa?

Today is so like hell. Since di ako nakahabol nun sa UPCAT, hindi ko siya na- experience (like duh?ü). I've been to Katipunan only once, been in Ateneo once (din, at hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nabanggit)... in other words, hindi pa ko nakakapunta ng UP.

Allysa was scheduled for her UPCAT kasi ngayon, at syempre ako, the ever brave cat, presenta to accompany her there. I was confident because Ate Lei was here, at alam niya ang pasikot- sikot sa loob ng university. Alam din naman ni Allysa dahil nakapunta na sila dun (siguro) twice. So yun.

Tapos nung umaga na, Ate Lei told us na she can't come kasi masama raw yung pakiramdam niya. Okay pa din. Kaya yan. Lumalakas na pala ang paninindigan ng pride ko.

At ang akala kong masayang experience ay nauwi sa nightmare.

Halos ikutin namin ni Allysa ang buong UP (at duh... ang laki ng unibersidad na yun!) sa paghahanap ng NCPAG building na mas malapit pala kung sa Commonwealth gate kami dumaan.
Sa sobrang tense ni Allysa, may hindi ko na- enjoy ang muni muni session ko sa Sunken Garden. T_T
We were walking and asking for directions at twelve in the afternoon.
Nang makarating kami at long last sa NCPAG at iniwanan ko na siya, dun na nagsimula ang pakikipagsapalaran ko.
Ever cool cat, I walked back to the main campus for a jeep. Hindi ko pa pinapansin ang maraming tao, super jam packed streets at init ng araw. Salamat sa napaka- supportive kong mp3, dahil kahit paulit- ulit na ang mga playlist ay di pa rin ako iniwan.
Sa sobrang ayaw magpasakay ng mga jeepney drivers, naglakad ako sa buong campus for an hour and half, in verge of tears at frustrated na frustrated. Para malibang na lang, nag type ako sa phone ko:

Life is like this road I'm walking on. Wide but packed with people and cars and road signs and noise. You impatiently wait for a cab or bus to ride. It's frustrating because most of them don't have much space for you. You walk further for another you can ride. Your soles are aching but you have no other choice but to walk; otherwise you would be beaten by the others. it's a competition without anybody declaring it.

Along the way you'll meet travel buddies who'll keep you entertained. But in the end they'll leave you, too; and you'll be alone again.

In the road of life, there are no uturns. There are no wrong ways or en route. People would laugh at you when you stumble, but hey; your destiny is yours to decide.

Eto pa. At waring lumelevel- up ako. Haha.ü

Pretending is a feel- good habit. You can be whatever you want to be and enjoy yourself. You can be beautiful when you think you're not, you can be a lawyer when you really haven't finished high school. You can be rich when you really are as poor as a rat.

But it hurts all the same. Because at some point of your pretending, you need to face the truth that you need to wake up from it.

I won't elaborate much. Basta it's a nightmare. Things I've learned though:

Wag sugod ng sugod!ü
Magdala ng mapa o travel buddy kung gustong pumunta sa isang lugar na hindi mo pa napupuntahan. Ever.
Masama ( rin pala) ang masyadong nagpapakabayani.
Hindi mo kayang talunin ang init ng araw.
Nasa Quezon City ang Philippine Heart Center.
Mas nauuna ang Cubao kesa Crossing.
Magdala ng payong. Rain or shine.

______pics!ü

Ang Sunken Garden na hindi nagmukhang sunken sa kuha ko.

A proud UP student.

Si kuya Oble. Stolen shot. haha!ü
I'm getting frustrated with my phone's camera. I want a digicam so badly!! TT___TT

//SONG.

2007-08-04T23:42:00.000+08:00

Something snapped me out of a dream
That I was having
I'd fallen down an elevator shaft
But now I'm back again
Tidying up after the fight we had

Happy with yourself
Well you've never looked so satisfied
Teasing me with stuff like a spoilt little brother
You finished yet?
Have you got what you really want?

Never gonna fall in love again
Never gonna fall in love again...

I so love this song!ü Love it too!
Never Gonna Fall In Love Again - Snow Patrol

//REALITY BITES.

2007-08-04T23:15:00.000+08:00

JC: inggit k lng kc nd mo un kya
nd k kc hot and sexy
Bia: don't need to be sexy to be hot..
don't need to be hot to be sexy.

It's so true. Haha!ü

***

At long last, settled na and issue with Super Yaya and Dotdot. A great realization that struck me after that incident: I am not matapang. No I am not. I've been sheltered kasi, so I really don't have any experience with fights and all. But I was able to conquer that later, and that felt rewarding (even if it took a while to muster all guts, haha).ü

One fact that I did not admit to my friends is that I felt less annoyed with Super Yaya after the hug and apologizing fiasco. At some point it maybe my fault, because I judged her too soon. I did not know her.

And she's one proof why I should retrieve the trust I too willingly give my clique. Not that I don't trust them anymore; Mama just snapped back me to reality and told me the real deal. Knowing her, she wouldn't say something for the sake of "knowing-it-all" without any basis; she say something because she know it. This really is a cliche, but it's true; moms knows best. And she's the only person I trust whole- heartedly.

Nonetheless, I'm keeping them. It's too soon to quit.ü

Back to being cynical! Haha!ü Kidding.

***

Wayne (sms): Pagtyagaan m na..tutal yan un pnasok m eh..dpat kasi pnag isipan m muna bago ka ng nurcng..

Who'd have thought that Wayne would give such a sensible comment? Madalas ko na siyang shock absorber nowadays, and I'm loving it! Haha! Kidding aside, he's the most sensible person I can run into whenever I need someone to listen when I'm kind of depressed. Ayos nga eh. He listens, konting advice, then I'll feel better. It's very different when you're asking for help sa guy. Girls kasi sometimes try to be so know-it-all nakakirita na minsan, right? At least pag guy, konting dada maraming listen, and it's done. It's lighter and easier that way.ü

***

Waa!! Midterms' so near! I need to review!ü

//RANDOMNESS.

2007-08-03T18:23:00.000+08:00

Wahahaha! I have new earphones again! Sa wakas! :]

Nakakaasar kasi, wala naman akong ginagawang masama, pero nasisira siya. What the heck?! Siguro sirain lang talaga ako ng earphones... Oh kahit anung bagay. Harhar.

Super yaya and Dot^2 are striking! Kala naman nila kaya nila co. And anyway, who cares? We're not friends from the start.

Ops, bago niyo isiping warfreak ako, hear my side first. Ang akin lang, pag hindi co gusto yung tao, di na ko nage- effort. nage- exist na lang siya sa mundo co as someone I don't like. Kasi ayoko ng nagpa- plastikan. Kung ayaw, ayaw. NO middle ground.

I won't go into details, basta I'm hating them both more and more each day. Kung kelan matatapos to, who knows?

______friends?

At one point when everybody is laughing and having fun, I was so sure we would stick together for the rest of our lives. Now I'm not really sure. :[

______anyway...

I so love Ate Lei here. In fact, she's my cell phone wallpaper! Harhar!

//üBER SHARING.

2007-07-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

Yun ang unang una kong gustong sabihin. Damn, umuulan na!ü

Kung nagtataka kayo kung bakit big deal yung pag- ulan... aba, di kayo Pinoy! Haha!

Kidding aside, kasi naman napaka- ironic talaga ng wheather. Imagine, rainy season ngayon pero kasing init pa rin ng summer. May ipinangakong 3 bagyo ngayong July, pero wala naman eh! Anu ba yan.

Hindi ko sinisisi si Papa God ha, dahil alam kong alam niyong Global Warming ang dahilan nito. Feeling ko nade- depress na yung mga weather forecasters dahil hindi na ma- predict ang panahon.

"You know--- one loves sunset, when one is so sad." - The Little Prince

//NOYPI.ü

2007-07-22T12:28:00.000+08:00

Yan ang ilan sa mga rason kung bakit mahal ko ang Pilipinas at ang pagiging Pilipino. Mahirap ang buhay sa bansa, pero hindi ko din ma- imagine ang tumira sa ibang bansa. Maraming kurakot, basura ang gobyerno, may demokratiko ang bansa pero ipinagkakait ang demokrasya sa bayan. Always late, walang disiplina. Murder dito, rape at holdap dun.

Oo, mabaho and reputasyon ng Pilipinas sa maraming nasyon. Pero eto kami eh. At sa palagay ko, dapat nating mahalin ang bansa natin para umunlad tayo. Mahalin natin ang isa't isa para magkaisa at magkaroon ng kapayapaan.ü

//üBER SHARING.

2007-07-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

Di kasi mawala sa utak co eh, so I might as well share this all to you.ü

Nung grad ball kasi, sinayaw aco nung adviser co nun. Ang awkward nga eh. Ops, ops! Walang something no (OA niyo naman..); basta awkward lang talaga kasi hello...r?! (with Mae's accent), adviser- student.. basta ganun. Not much, di co lang talaga makakalimutan yung sinabi niya sakin.

"Alam mo, napakatalino mong bata! Magalang at masunurin pa. Maraming opportunity ang nasa harapan mo. Basta mag- aral ka lang mabuti... at alam co na kahit anung daan ang piliin mo, magtatagumpay ka."

Music to my ears! Nakaka- inspire. Of all people, siya pa ang nagsabi nun.

I'm so thankful that someone (even only one) believes in me. One is enough (plus Papa God) for me to pursue what I am dreaming of.

***
Isang ma- dramang kwento ni Bianca. BOW.ü

//RANDOMNESS.

2007-07-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

O tlga..la ako comp ngaun e..hehe.ü la nanu20d lng ng myx.. Ako rn bka mga 12 na..Hehe. Cge. COMMENT naman dyan ung matino..hehe cge.ü

Damn, hindi talaga aco marunong magbigay ng matinong comment sa friendster. Amf... okay lang, 300 na yung friends co. Wahaha!ü Hindi co rin alam ang connect nung comment sa friends, so don't ask. Gusto co lang namang i- share.

Lam mo ba kung anong nangyari ngayong araw? Hay naku, suuuuper boring. Kahit nakita co si Potpot ng may n times ay damn, BORING. Hindi aco halos nakinig sa Religion nung 10:30- 12:00 (kahit nasa unahan aco! hahaü)... nagsusulat kasi aco sa irihan ng luntian. Sagot sagot na lang aco in between topics para kunwari nakikinig pa rin aco sa discussion. Nung Gen Psych naman, presentation of the different stages of human development... from pre- natal to old age; basta, di na co maglelecture dito syempre. I struggled pa in my über short role in our RP na nurse na ang sasabihin lang eh, "Good morning ma'am! Here's your healthy baby girl!". Mas ok kaya yun kesa sa aso na ginampanan ni Paks[1].

Ngayon co lang naconclude na sakitin pala ang prof namin sa English. 1 whole week na kaming walang English dahil absent si Prof. Yun, tambay lang kami sa labas for an hour and half. Okay din dahil masaya na uli si LulaVia[2]. Sa totoo lang nalulungkot din aco pag ganun eh. Walang saysay tuloy yung Green day. Mae feel distant; even Dianah who has nothing to be sad about (or what she was trying to let us see) doesn't feel Green day. Asus! lalo na po aco no!

Potpot, potpot, potpot

We're soulmates. Haha, kidding! Kasi naman, after lunch, paakyat kami ni LulaVia, we were so like, laughing our heads off nung biglang pababa pala si Potpot. As in, PANG in my heart! An sakit, grabe! You know that feeling whenever you see your crush? Yung pang directly inside your chest? Dati wala pa yun eh, pero (malamang!) ngayon, gosh.

After a trip to the powder room, saktong pagbukas co ng pinto, he was on the stairs, paakyat. Damn, I could feel it again!

Tapos nung English, yun, pagdaan co sa may door, tumingin na siya. Tapos nung naghahabulan kami at nagtataguan nina Paks, Zairy and co.

I know it's damn obvious! He has a beautiful girlfriend he SHOULD be faithful. I'm not saying na I'll push to the extent that I'll take him away from her... as much as I wanted to see him everyday, I don't want him to notice. Damn, I'll stop looking for him and looking at him.

In fairness, mabango pala talaga ang Palmolive! Di tinablan ng pollution ang buhok co ngayon. And I could smell it while I'm typing.

LSS co ngayon yung kanta ng Click 5 na Jenny. Sabi kasi ni Papy Thena gwapo daw yung bagong vocalist. Oo nga, kaya lang, lampayatot eh. Pfft. Mas gusto co pa din yung dating vocalist, kasi pang- Elvis Presley yung dating ng boses nito eh. Pero okay din ha, ang ganda nung song, in fairness.

Antok na co. Tomorrow or next time uli!

Footnotes:

:: [1] Paks - si Paks si grilled burger.. as in Diane. bakit Paks? Kasi ka pakshit namin siya ni LulaVia. Originally dalawa lang silang nagpapakshitan, pero dahil gusto cong sumali, tatlo na kaming nagpapakshitan. Three Stoogies kumbaga.

:: [2] LulaVia - from Lae, nag evolve to Lulalae. Eh since Luntian ang closest niya, payag na siyang tawagin namin siyang Via. Eh medyo lito pa co, so combi muna para madali. Haha.ü

Lam niyo ba kung anong oras na? 12:03 am. Antok na co.ü

//üBER SHARING.

2007-07-18T12:47:00.000+08:00

Sa totoo lang ha, I feel so blessed to have my brother. Kahit he's damn pesking me every single moment of my life, wala lang, nakakatuwa pa din. Natutunan kong hindi maging maarte dahil sa kanya (the consequence nga lang, siya yung naging vain). I learned too to appreciate alternative and punk and a little rock dahil kamusta naman yun, kahit isarado ko yung pinto niya sa kwarto rinig ko pa din yung paulit- ulit niyang pinapatugtog.

Tapos ngayon, pwede na akong makialam ng mga magiging girlfriend niya! Lume- level up na diba?ü

Wala lang, nakakatuwa siya. And I'm more than okay with that state.ü

//FRIENDSHIP.

2007-07-16T09:54:00.001+08:00

We are able to build a strongly founded friendship in a short span of time, and I feel that this really is for keeps. I love them! We make each other laugh, listen to problems, enjoy every moments together and make our minds creative. We aren't just a clique because we're making new dimensions to that word every now and then.

We are a book. An exciting novel that is always in climax. And a never ending happy ever after.

And someday we'll be a legacy. Our footprints will be preserved in a time capsule until it is time for us to go to heaven.

//REALITY BITES.

2007-07-14T18:26:00.000+08:00

What a week. Been to depression, trying to brush it all off just not to bother my friends, trying to study hard and at the same trying so hard to find the effing hell is wrong with me. It was a hell multi- tasking. Deep inside of me it grows everyday--- I don't want to take up nursing.

And damn, I'm not ever qualified yet for Trumpets at my state. I need to lose weight. And that exactly was the problem! I want to be uber thin but I have no damn drive.

I have zillion choices to choose from. But actually... I can't.

HELP ME!

//L♥VE.

2007-07-08T20:10:00.000+08:00

What really is love? I am just sixteen, and after countless encounters of what I thought was love, I still don't have a clue of what true love is.

Sure, I love my mom, dad... my family, Papa God and close friends. But what is love with another person only? I always 'fall in love' with somebody in one way or another, but I never experienced being loved back. So what is love?

At night, I always imagine how it feels like to be held close, to be kissed... to be loved by a man. My imagination would form a perfect man whom I'll hug tight, cuddle up with, kiss.. love. It hurts because all this things happen only inside my head, and after the night is done and the morning light will shine on me, I can't pretend anymore. And I feel a pang inside whenever a friend would go home with a lover. I try brushing it away with jokes, but it's still the same. I can't erase reality.

Papa God sure has a plan. I ask for a guy but He still don't give me. I know, that when he comes, I'm ready... and it'll be for forever.

It'll be bliss, and it will move mountains. It will keep me inspired and strive harder. He won't stop me from reaching my dreams; he would always be there. He won't make me feel alone and sad, but always happy and bursting with energy.

And then I'll know what true love is.

"1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,^[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

- 1 Corinthians 13

//NOYPI.

2007-07-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

My Lakbayan grade is F!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Kawawa naman ako. Napaka- kaunti pa lang ng napupuntahan kong lugar sa aking bansa! Ibig sabihin ba nito ay hindi ako nationalistic?

//REALITY BITES.

2007-07-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

(currently im-ing with Mike) I always believed I am. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I see a reflection of not just a plain girl, but a beautiful girl inside and out. Some guys seem to appreciate me, but most guys, after a look, take me for granted. How's that? How's that to feel?

Now I am more convinced that like Chiqui, I am just a lucky charm. A beautiful sight alone, and I make my colleagues beautiful. Athena, Lae... even Dianah. I always go unnoticed whenever I am with them. Now here's my karma. Now I know how Chiqui feels. Now I know how it hurts.

I don't know what's Papa God's plan for me. I feel so depressed and sad and alone again. I always beg for Him to give me a guy, but He still won't give me any. I don't know when's the right time. I don't know.

But I am not lovely. That's one thing sure.

It's a vandal in my arm chair. I'm sorry for the blurred take, so if you can't read it, it says, "Hi Bianca,, from someone special!! :)". I wasn't if it were exactly meant for me, because for crying out loud, we're 3 Bianca's in the block. But anyway, yeah, it was written on the center of my arm chair, and I can't help but feel intrigued.